MICHEL DE MONTAIGNE, ESSAYS, 1588

Today the world is a smaller place. Exotic ports and distant places are only hours away. Electronic communication, mass media, global travel, and international trade expose us to cross-cultural table manners where food may be eaten with fingers rather than utensils, and seating may be on the ground rather than at the table.

Throughout the ages table manners have followed logic, a code of civility based on common sense, courtesy, and comfort, that provides a way to interact with one another in a practical manner. But so often the customs that prevail in the West are not followed in the East. Buffet service is considered impolite in many parts of the world because it is impersonal. In China, smacking one’s lips is an expression of appreciation of the food and culinary skills of the chef or the host, but in the West the sound is inappropriate and considered impolite. Although an audible belch is poor manners in Western countries, in Asia it praises the munificence of the host. In the West, finger food is taken with either hand, but in the East, it is always taken with the right hand because the left is associated with toilet activities.

When you are unsure how to proceed in another culture, follow the logic of common sense, and remember the old dictum, “When in Rome do as the Romans do.”  When people from the East dine in Western homes they sit in chairs, eat from tables, and use knives and forks. Westerners who dine in a Asian or African home eat according to the customs of the host. In a sophisticated Eastern city, the Westerner sits at a table laid with flatware, but in a rural village, where the old methods prevail, he takes food with fingers from dishes laid out on the floor. Sometimes both fingers and utensils are used: for example, meat taken with fingers from a central joint cut by the host. Bread held with fingers may be used as a utensil to pick up morsels of food. In many Chinese restaurants in the West, Asians eat with utensils and Caucasians use chopsticks.

Whatever the customs, in today’s changing world cross-cultural attitudes prevail, and so often menus feature a fusion of Western and Asian foods, such as Japanese-Italian dishes that require proficiency with chopsticks and forks. But, when a code of conduct ceases to apply, it is quickly forgotten and relegated to the pages of history.

The time to know and respect “thy neighbors’ ways” is now, including table manners. When in doubt, follow the customs of the host country, and proceed with a certitude based on common sense, courtesy, and comfort.

Excerpt from: The Art of the Table, by Suzanne Von Drachenfels

Catching Food in Your Teeth

Never use a toothpick at the table, even if you feel you have a gravel pit in your mouth. Try drinking some water to help the situation, and if you feel your teeth are really decorated with food, excuse yourself for a second to go to the restaurant rest room or to a bathroom in your host’s home. There you can vigorously rinse your mouth — or even use your toothpick if you absolutely have to.

As far as sticking a knife blade or a fingernail into your teeth to remove food at the table, don’t do it anywhere near anyone you’ve ever been in love with. (It will make them sick!)

When a Bug Appears

If a little bug crawls out of your salad, pick it up quickly with your napkin, without saying a word, and dispatch it (dead) under the table. Don’t point it out with great glee (or revulsion) to anyone else sitting with you, because you might ruin the rest of the entire dinner for most of the people sitting at your table.

Coping with Garlic or Onion Breath

You may feel your presence at home, in the office, or at a party will be less than well received, given the amount of garlic you have just consumed at a particular meal. Any one of the following actions might help you deal with the problem, to everyone’s relief:

• Chew and swallow some fresh parsley.
• Rub a piece of lemon over your tongue and the insides of your mouth.
• Chew a few coffee beans.
• Use some mints
• Take some antacid.

Excerpt from New Manners for New Times by Letitia Baldrige

TIP: Public phones were around for a long time, usually in phone booths that protect the callers from noise and passersby from the details of the calls. Keep the same principle in mind when using your cell phone. Try to construct a virtual phone booth around yourself for the duration of the conversation.

That trick isn’t always possible, however, and when it isn’t, you should be exceedingly sparing in your cell-phone use. Cell phones have no place in restaurants; at the theater, movies, or symphony; in churches or classrooms; or in meetings. You are in these places to do something other than talk on the phone. Whenever you go into one of these settings, have the courtesy to turn your wireless phone off or on silent.

REMEMBER: The more available you make yourself, the more available everyone expects you to be. People will begin to get upset if you are not instantly and constantly available!  Ask yourself, do you really want to be connected 24/7/365, and is it absolutely necessary?

WARNING! Think before you speak! A number of recent studies have concluded that motorists who use cell phones while driving are four times as likely to get into accidents. Most everyone agrees that handheld cell phones while driving can constitute a hazardous distraction. Also, the theory that hand-free sets are any safer has been challenged by the findings of a number of studies. Researchers at the University of Utah, published in the summer 2006 issue of Human Factors, the quarterly journal of the Human Factors and Ergonomics Society, conclude that talking on a cell phone while driving is as dangerous as driving drunk, even if the phone is a hands-free model.

If you inadvertently forgot to turn the phone off and it starts to ring, hasten to quiet it, even if that means turning it off without answering it, and apologize to those around you, as appropriate and convenient. Sometimes just silencing your phone is all that is necessary.

FAUX PAS: Never answer a cell phone or begin a cell-phone conversation while you’re in a bathroom. The potential for embarrassment is high.

Excerpt from: Business Etiquette for Dummies by Sue Fox

Hosting Group Outings

Just as the workday is more flexible than it used to be, so are the places where you can conduct business. You may work for an engineering firm that encourages employees to take after-lunch group bike rides to the city overlook. Your boss may like to take small groups to her house so that you can discuss strategy in the privacy of her backyard. You may visit a high-tech firm in Portland and be invited on a walking tour of Horsetail Falls in the Gorge. Come prepared with the appropriate clothing if at all possible.

Remember: If you’re the host of an off-site outing, take care to think things through ahead of time. Schedule off-site outings at least two weeks in advance and notify the guests of the plans. In the invitation, clearly state the equipment needed (if any), as well as the purpose and length of the outing. Unless you provide ample warning, respect people’s right to decline if the outing radically deviates from the time and place of the regular workday. That way, an employee won’t be stranded on a granite face 10 minutes before she needs to pick her daughter up at day care.

Also take the time to learn about any other personal or practical impediments to the off-site outing. Perhaps your guest is asthmatic, and the trip you’d hoped to take to the sea lions’ caves would only make her miserable. Perhaps reservations have to be made months in advance for that ferry ride across Puget Sound; if you show up without reservations, you’ll embarrass both yourself and your guest. Whatever the event is, think things through, and always consider the weather.

Remember: If you are hosting a guest from out of town and want to take him to see some of the local sights and landmarks, discreetly inquire as to his willingness to undertake such an excursion. Say something like this: “Mr. Ferrari, I would like to offer you the opportunity to see our wonderful art museum and the local arboretum tomorrow. Would that be of interest to you, or is there something else you would prefer?” If Ferrari has some restrictions that would prevent him from enjoying walking, this phrasing of the question allows him to back away gracefully. It prevents embarrassment to you as well, because the way you’ve phrased the question doesn’t put your guest in the position of having to admit that he’d rather not join you for reasons he’d rather not reveal.

Warming: Avoid planning strenuous outings unless your guest is a health nut. There’s no point in jeopardizing a business relationship by possibly humiliating your guest.

Excerpt from Business Etiquette for Dummies by Sue Fox

Touch them “accidentally”.  One study done on librarians showed that  when they returned a library card, those patrons whose palms they touched were more likely to say they enjoyed the experience and would be inclined to return.  Although librarians aren’t money focused, they are “selling” the library, and these kinds of accidental touches – handing someone a pen, showing them a folder of literature, handing them a menu – can create an instant bond where one didn’t exist before.

Touch them when you’re talking about the perks.  “This car gets forty miles to the gallon” (tap, tap, on the hand or forearm).  That touch will feel like you’re coconspirators in marveling at the extraordinary perks of this car, as if to say, “We’re both discerning people and we know how poor fuel efficiency usually is, but this one is truly amazing.”

Touch them when you can see their interest is piqued.  Let’s say you’re a real estate agent, and you’ve already brought your prospects around to two different houses – one beautiful, but out of their price range, and one horrific, but solidly in their price range. Now you’re bringing them to a house you want them to buy – in their price range, very well kept.  They walk in and, you can see their demeanor change – widened eyes, smiles, expressions of delight on their faces.  This is you moment.  Gently touch them on the arm, and say “Look at this place. It seems to have everything you wanted.”  Don’t touch too long – just about two seconds. Touch briefly and release, long enough to make a connection while they’re falling in love with the place.

Touch them when you can see they’re slipping away. You can also use this touch if you’re sitting with them at the signing table and you sense they’re slipping away a bit. Just reach out and touch with a comment like, “Just a few more places to sign and you are the owner of . . .”  The touch lets them know you’re on their side, and that you’re someone to be trusted.

Touch them to reinforce a good experience.  This touch goes especially for waitstaff. Research shows that if a waitress touches her customers as she returns the change or the charge slip to their table, she’s more likely to receive a big tip. As you put the folder on the table, touch them on the shoulder and say, “Thank you so much for coming in. Enjoy the rest of your evening.”  Leave them with a big smile. No matter how busy you are with the rest of your tables, don’t ever rush that good-bye moment, as that parting impression will influence what kind of tip they leave.

Don’t touch them if they start to doubt you.  If their eyes narrow at something you’ve just said, or they break eye contact suddenly, don’t choose that moment to start pawing at them.  Instead, begin the rapport building process again and take the conversation in a different direction.  If you touched them at that moment, you might be seen as trying to manipulate them back into the sale instead of appealing to their rising concerns.

Excerpt from: The Power of Body Language, How to Succeed in Every Business and Social Encounter by Tonya Reiman

To help the Class of 2011, during National Business Etiquette Week, June 5 – 11, PSOW (www.psow.edu) is also offering advice to help grads get, and keep, a job.  Eyring’s favorite tip is to get a ‘personal business card’ with their name and contact info.  “The Wall Street Journal reported (April 17, 2011) ‘personalized business cards are enjoying a revival and job-hunters are finding them a handy way to differentiate themselves from the masses.’”  Eyring agrees with The Journal that personal business cards don’t shout; they flirt – with potential employers and are a quiet rebuttal to the jabber-jawing of Twitter and Facebook.

Tips for College Grads on the Job Hunt

1. Clean up your virtual image.  Delete all inappropriate photos and text form social networking sites, including your friends’ sites.  Replace with more professional photos, 1-2 page resume and 2-3 references (from summer jobs or internships).
2. Dress like a professional.  Wear a neutral colored suit.  Ties and polished shoes for men, closed-toe shoes, traditional jewelry, and some make-up for women (employers view a little make-up as professional).  Also, don’t show too much skin.  It’s employers #1 complaint.
3. Research the company.  Know their history, vision, and recent press.
4. Turn off your cell phone.  A ringing or vibrating phone is distracting.
5. Don’t arrive too early.  More than 10 minutes early shows anxiety.  Being late could cost you the job.
6. Make direct eye contact.  Hold eye contact 40-60% of the time, shake hands making firm web-to-web contact (when meeting and leaving), and maintain straight (not too stiff) posture.
7. Write a thank-you note.  Spend five minutes “writing” a thank-you note on quality, white or ecre colored paper and boost your hiring chances by 20%.  Send it within 24 hours of the interview.

Founded in 1988 to meet the needs of an expanding global economy, The Protocol School of Washington http://PWOW.edu has trained more than 3,000 graduates from 45 countries.  PSOW is the only nationally accredited business etiquette, image and international protocol school in the nation, and is the acknowledged leader in business etiquette and protocol training.  It is owned by graduate and former Chief of Protocol at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base, Ms. Pamela Eyring, who has worked with heads of state, CEOs of the Fortune 500 and four-star generals.  In 2009, Ms. Eyring expanded PSOW by taking it overseas and holding courses in Dubai, Trinidad & Tobago, and Turkey.  PSOW trainers hail from The White House, Disney, the military and corporate America.

PSOW

www.psow.edu

WARNING!  In some situations, where there is no salt or pepper on the table, do not ask for any salt; this is considered an insult to the chef. It is fine to ask for pepper however, because it is considered a condiment and salt is considered a flavor enhancer.

REMEMBER:  Thoughtfully taste your food before you add any seasoning.  The chef has tried to achieve perfect seasoning, and when you reach for the salt and pepper immediately, you indicate that perfection was not quite achieved. Always pass the salt and pepper as a pair so that they can stay together throughout the meal.

Excerpt from Business Etiquette For Dummies by Sue Fox

Tired of being thanked “for your patience” and told to

“have a nice day?” Perhaps it’s time for a refresher

on speaking from the heart.

When my Internet service went down the other day, I knew the drill.  Call customer service; be put on endless hold while a recorded voice repeatedly apologizes “for any inconvenience”; grind teeth.  That’s the cost of living in the modern world, I figured.  For me, the profound distress came later, when a human being finally did come on line and offered generic apologies in the same robotic tones of automated sorrow that I’d gotten from the machine.

It was the impersonality of the exchange that was so galling.  The woman on the  phone wasn’t apologizing to me. She was merely apologizing. Indeed, she kept shifting to the first-person plural, that grand, anonymous “we,” instead of the more authentic “I.”  And her words were pure cardboard. She didn’t say anything human like “I know that can be a pain” or “It happened again? I’m so sorry!” No, she stayed relentlessly on message, like some mindless pol in front of a TelePrompTer.

It’s not just my Internet service that specializes in canned speech.  Key words and phrases have grown invisible quote marks around them that render them inoperative.  People aren’t sorry; they are “sorry,” which is to say they are not sorry at all.  “Have a nice day” now means something closer to “Go jump in a lake.”  “Thank you for your patience” is particularly empty, since, at the point we hear it, our patience is already gone.

Then again, many of these phrases are meaningless to start with.  Take that “any inconvenience.”  The “any” is so all-inclusive, the “inconvenience” so trivializing, that the saying does nothing except dismiss my individual, unique suffering.

This phenomenon must be contagious, because so many of our everyday utterances have all the flavor, bite and food content of tofu.  We don’t have surgery; we undergo a “procedure.”  No jams for us; we experience a “situation.”  We don’t have complaints, but “issues.”  Sins are out; wicked behavior is merely “inappropriate.”  Only postal workers are ever ticked off, venomous, ready to kill; everyone else has “concerns.”  Mild concerns, really, as there is no other type.

Emotionally, we seem to live in a wee world, where experiences come in one size only – small.  It’s like on airplanes: when pilots casually note “a little bumpiness,” it really means that your 747 is being slammed by hurrican-force winds that have dropped it 1,000 feet.  We have all endured the “slight delay” that leaves us baking on the tarmac for hours or been treated to the “bit of a snack,” which is actually just that.

But this miniaturization comes in a more insidious form, too, one in which tiny emotions are wildly exaggerated to look like big ones.  It’s not just the movie critics burbling about how they “love!” some big-budget spectacular flopperoo.  They find it “amazing,” “incredible” or (if they’re Brits) “absolutely brilliant.”  Everybody “loves!” everything nowadays.  Which is to say they experienced mild relief that the subject in question was not quite as dull as they’d feared.  Unless, of course, they “hated!” it, in which case, sadly, it was.

The plain truth, honestly expressed, is powerful stuff, and I’m not suggesting we can take too much of it.  Terminal cancer, religion, an accurate description of what one person genuinely feels for another – all of these topics require delicate handling, no question.  There is nothing worse in a social situation than calling a spade a spade.  Or, I might add, more memorable.  One time when Winston Churchill had had a few too many, an elderly constituent upbraided him: “Why, Mr Prime Minister, you’re drunk!”  “Yes, madam,” came the unforgettable retort, “and you are ugly.  But I will be sober in the morning.”  To politicians nowadays, no one is ugly, least of all a voter.  That same unctuous caution has caught all of us in its goo.  It’s not just political correctness either.  Technobable, illiteracy, bureaucratese and the fear of lawsuits have all done their bit to take the zing out of public discourse.

Ironically, while language in the real world is being emptied, the dramatic arts, at their best, offer us glowing examples of concise, pungent and, at times, heart-wrenching speech.

There is no question of Rick Blaine’s state of mind in Casablanca when Humphrey Bogart utters the desperate line “Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.”  Who doesn’t feel for Marlon Brando’s character in On the Waterfront when he laments that he “could have been a contender… instead of a bum, which is what I am.”  And who among us would doubt Jack Nicholson’s sincerity when, playing a crabby obsessive-compulsive writer in As Good As It Gets, he tells Helen Hunt, “You make me want to be a better man.”  Such lines may be artful, but they nonetheless convey powerful emotion directly and urgently. They connect.

But the best lines, of course, aren’t lines at all.  They come from the heart and go to the heart.  This means skipping the bureaucratic cliches and technospeak, addressing yourself directly to your audience, telling the truth and doing your best to sound sincere.  That wouldn’t have brought my Internet service back, but it would have provided a connection that would have, right then, been more important – the human one between her and me.

Excerpt from: Town & Country Modern Manners, The Thinking Person’s Guide to Social Graces

Excerpt from Letitia Bald

Be sure to keep these rules in mind:

• First and foremost, a business Internet account is for business. Even if everyone else seems to be doing it, resist the temptation to shop for shoes online during that interminable conference call. Some companies may allow you to use your Internet account for personal use during breaks or lunch hours, but ask first.
• Unless your job description requires you to participate in company blogs and online chatting, you shouldn’t be doing these activities on company time. If your job requires that you manage or respond to blogs and chat rooms, make sure you use the appropriate etiquette. Most blogs and chat rooms have rules and guidelines, so follow them! A few general tips: Use the spell-checker, be accurate and honest, and stay on topic.
• Be aware that many employers monitor employee Internet use. Find out whether your company has an official policy on Internet use, and be sure to follow it carefully. Wouldn’t it be embarrassing to explain that you were fired because you were updating your Facebook page or writing comments in an inappropriate blog on company time?
• If it’s necessary in your job to navigate the Internet or intranet sites at work, it’s important to remember that your communication is coming from your work e-mail address. You’re bound to run into problems with obsolete links, error messages, or outdated information. Some sites solicit your information via Contact Us or Feedback links. Your feedback is important, but remember that a real person will read your e-mail. Send feedback such as “As a frequent user of your site, I find this problem frustrating” rather than slacker-like feedback such as “Your site is lame, and your company blows!” the ruder and less rational your feedback is, the more likely the Webmaster will be to dismiss it as the raving of a lunatic shut-in.
• You have no excuse for viewing adult Web sites at the office, even if you do so after hours, when you’re the only person around. Despite the uproar about children discovering inappropriate Web content, happening upon dirty pictures by accident isn’t easy. And with the current legal climate around sexual harassment in the workplace, most employers have a zero-tolerance policy for this kind of behavior.
• Some Internet service providers have rules and policies about online behavior. If you’re at work and discover anything online that is inappropriate, that makes you feel uncomfortable, or that you believe is harassment, contact your company’s IT department or the company’s Internet service provider immediately.

TIP:  Take the time to understand online lingo. Many Web sites list Internet terms and acronyms. Knowing some of the key vocabulary will not only help you communicate clearly, but also show that you are a savvy Internet user. For the lowdown on Internet vocabulary, check out The Internet For Dummies, 11th Edition, by John R. Levine, Margaret Levine Young, and Carol Baroudi (Wiley).

Excerpt from: Business Etiquette For Dummies by Sue Fox