Happiness and the Mind

By Barbara | Published: August 30, 2010

THE HAPPINESS OF YOUR LIFE DEPENDS UPON THE QUALITY OF YOUR THOUGHTS. — Marcus Aurelius

HAPPINESS DOES NOT DEPEND ON OUTWARD THINGS, BUT ON THE WAY WE SEE THEM. — Leo Tolstoy

The Bible, Gautama Buddha, Marcus Aurelius, Ralph Waldo Emerson, and William James are among the most frequently quoted sources of this momentous notion: our happiness does not spring from the events of our lives but rather from how we choose to respond to those events. Many students of human happiness see life satisfaction as a product of the thinking Self.

Our lives are made of events over which we have little or no control. What we can control is how we are going to think about those events. Although we cannot choose no traffic over congested highways for our back-to-work Monday-morning commute, we can choose how to react to traffic. Even in the worst of circumstances we can react with positive thoughts. While stuck on a beltway in our motorized metal cocoons we can think that this is a good opportunity to do some serious, undisturbed work-related planning. Such a positive reaction to a non-positive event will yield happy feelings rather than unhappy ones.

Our feelings are products of our thoughts. A positive thought produces a feeling of contentment or happiness, a negative one a feeling of sadness or despondency. If we have control over what we think about what happens to us, we have control over how we feel about it as well. This means, in turn, that we can be the makers of our own happiness. To say that this is an empowering message is an understatement. It comes, however, with quite a burden of personal responsibility, since it prevents us from blaming our misery on our circumstances. Be that as it may, the pronouncement of a thousand thinkers is unequivocal: our contentment and happiness are a matter of personal attitude.

HE WHO HAS SUCH LITTLE KNOWLEDGE OF HUMAN VALUE AS TO SEEK HAPPINESS BY CHANGING ANYTHING BUT HIS DISPOSITION WILL WASTE HIS LIFE IN FRUITLESS EFFORTS AND MULTIPLY THE GRIEF HE PROPOSES TO REMOVE. — Samuel Johnson

Who wouldn’t want to acquire an attitude that invites happiness into our lives? Unfortunately, having a positive attitude is not as simple as putting on new clothes. We should take the invitation to self-reliance with a modicum of common sense. To say that we are to look inside ourselves for ways to cope successfully with the difficulties of life doesn’t mean that we should ignore the outside world. Our relationships with others are an invaluable resource of meaning and happiness.

THERE IS NO JOY EXCEPT IN HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS. — Antoine de Saint-Exupery

When we excel in the art of sustaining good relationships we can afford to be less than perfect in the art of a positive attitude. And contentment and joy will come to us in unalloyed form.

Excerpt from: Choosing Civility, by P.M. Forni

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Doing Business in Australia & New Zealand

By Barbara | Published: August 23, 2010

Australia and New Zealand are separate countries, each with its own distinct national identity that includes particular customs and rules of etiquette:
* Australia is a casual country, and its people are friendly and open. You find overt formality in only the most rarified circles in Melbourne and a few other cities.
* New Zealand, on the other hand, is more like Great Britain, with greater formality and less instantaneous camaraderie.

Language
English is the official language of Australia; however, Australians’ colorful vocabulary, accent, and slang can take a lot of getting used to. The two official languages of New Zealand are English and Maori. English is the language of day-to-day business within New Zealand – a remnant of ties to the British Commonwealth.

WARNING: New Zealanders take great pride in their proficiency in the English language and hold anyone who also does so in high esteem. They are less forgiving of mistakes in spelling, grammar, and syntax made by Americans, Canadians, and Australians (other than those whose first language isn’t English).

Appropriate Dress
Men wear a conservative dark business suit, white or colored dress shirt, and tie. Always try to be tasteful and stylish, and lean toward the conservative. Women are advised to dress simply but elegantly, wearing a dress or a skirt and blouse for business.

Informal clothing is appropriate for working in the information-technology sector. Casual pants are fine for both men and women in this area.

Greeting Rituals
Greetings are casual, often consisting simply of a handshake and a smile. Australian and New Zealander handshakes are firm and quick. Giving someone a limp handshake is referred to as giving someone a “dead fish,” so keep it firm. Don’t grasp the other person’s hand with both of yours, and don’t keep shaking. Women typically don’t shake hands with one another in Australia but typically do in New Zealand. In both countries, women are expected to extend their hands to men first.

Australians and New Zealanders dislike pretense. Although you should call someone by his last name when you first meet him, this practice won’t last long – especially in Australia, as you’ll probably soon be invited to call your host by his first name. New Zealanders are more reserved when you first meet them, but they, too, will warm to you quickly. Announcing your title when you meet is offensive because it’s perceived as showing off.

Business cards are exchanged, but little or no ceremony is attached to the exchange.

Handling Meetings
Meetings start on time and get to the point at hand without many preliminaries in both countries. In fact, in New Zealand, arriving a few minutes early is polite. Business is conducted with respect, honesty, directness, and a trace of a sense of humor, but avoid showing strong emotions. Even though meetings generally are relaxed, they are considered serious matters. A brief amount of small talk is common.

TIP: If you make a presentation, keep it simple. Avoid making exaggerated claims and adding a bunch of bells and whistles.

Dining and Entertaining
Lunch can be a business affair, but both the near-obligatory call at the pub and dinners are social events. Arrive on time in Australia and New Zealand.

Table manners are Continental style, with meals often served family style. Although both Australians and New Zealanders typically are casual in their manners, follow proper protocol on more formal occasions.

TIP: Meeting for tea is common. Afternoon tea is around 4 or between 6 and 8 p.m. and is an evening meal.

Giving and Receiving Gifts
Bringing a bottle of Australian wine, a box of chocolates, a book about one’s home country, or some other small item to your host’s dinner party is expected. Don’t bring anything lavish, however. Recipients customarily open gifts when they’re presented.

Social Taboos
Being overly demonstrative with another man is a taboo for men in Australia and New Zealand. Also, trying your hand at saying “G’day, mate” is more likely to result in offense than anything else. The “V for victory” sign is given palm out; given palm in, it is offensive.

FAUX PAS: Certain national sensitivities are particular to New Zealanders. The term mainland isn’t used for either the North or South islands of New Zealand; neither is it used to refer to Australia.

Excerpt from: Doing Business on a Global Scale, Business Etiquette for Dummies

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Respect Others’ Opinions

By Barbara | Published: August 16, 2010

IF ALL MANKIND MINUS ONE WERE OF ONE OPINION, AND ONLY ONE PERSON WERE OF CONTRARY OPINION, MANKIND WOULD BE NO MORE JUSTIFIED IN SILENCING THAT ONE PERSON THAN HE, IF HE HAD THE POWER, WOULD BE JUSTIFIED IN SILENCING MANKIND. — John Stuart Mill

Respecting others’ opinions is part of a larger attitude of respect – respect for the whole person – that we are expected to develop as we grow up. Respect for opinions is not an easy art at all. It requires self-esteem, self-control, sensitivity, tolerance, fairness, and generosity. And it applies both to stated opinions and to opinions that are left unspoken.

There are at least two ways of showing disrespect for others on account of what they think. One is by telling them that their opinions are crazy, stupid, worthless, and the like. The other is by assuming that what we think must be what they think also. Respecting others’ opinions doesn’t mean being untrue to our own. It simply requires us to recognize that others are entitled to look at the world differently and that when they share their views with us they can expect a fair hearing.

Since what we believe is an integral part of who we are, we tend to perceive criticism directed at our opinions as rejection. When that happens, defensiveness and resentment can put an end to dialogue. This means that we should follow good protocols of disagreement. If possible and appropriate:
* Save the core of someone else’s opinion even as you qualify your acceptance: “Yes, I agree that what you say may be true in general, but there are circumstances when …”
* Recognize that although you don’t agree, what you hear is not unreasonable: “Indeed, that idea can be appealing; however …”
* Allow that if you knew more, your opinion might change: “I don’t know, it doesn’t seem right, but perhaps there is more here than meets the eye.”
* Make generous use of the metaphor of perspective: “Yes, but if you look at it from a different point of view …”

All of these are forms of qualified disagreement, which in most circumstances are preferable to absolute disagreement. Through them you will usually manage to take the sting off your challenge. If, however, the opinion in question is repugnant to you, feel free to reject it outright: “I’m sorry, I believe this is wrong”; “I disagree, I find this opinion offensive”; “You know, this really goes against my principles.”

The way we react when we don’t agree depends on where we are, with whom, and what we are doing. Someone argues that more public funding should go to private schools, an opinion you don’t share. At a PTA or a town meeting, you can take your time to present a detailed, forceful argument against it. As an invited guest at a dinner table, however, you may decide to ignore the issue. Or you may briefly state why you disagree before turning to a less controversial subject. In other words, you may want to balance your desire to state your convictions with your concern for the convivial fellowship that your host has worked so hard at fostering. In general, a meal, any meal, is not the best venue for a political debate.

Many speak as though their opinions were necessarily shared by everybody around them. This presumptive sharing can originate in simple lack of sensitivity or it can be a deliberate, if covert way of saying: “If you don’t think like me you should. Start now!” Either way, it is bullying. You support political candidate X and his plan for industrial pollution control, which is opposed by candidate Y. Resist the temptation to declare to your coworkers in the cafeteria: “It’s going to be X by a landslide. Voters can’t be so dumb that they won’t see through Y’s shenanigans.” Of course, somebody at the table may very well be a supporter of candidate Y’s policies. You are entitled to your political preference, but others are also entitled to hear them expressed in a civil way.

We are all victims, at one time or another, of presumptive opinion sharing. We can find ourselves drawn over and over again into playing the worn-out game of television bashing. There is always someone who thinks it’s time to remind us that television is awful and harmful to us and the rest of humanity. This is presented as a self-evident truth upon which everybody with a semblance of a brain agrees and which should, therefore, go unexamined. We are thus expected to join in the jeremiad with a disconsolate shaking of our head.

Whenever we are exposed to the lamentations and fulminations of the television-is-trash cohorts, we are inevitably ill at ease. Strange as it may seem, there are good programs on television. The thousands of men and women who work in that business deserve better than a blanket indictment as producers of junk. But all this is almost beside the point. The point is that we resent finding ourselves inducted into a club we didn’t ask to join. Those who operate according to the I’m-sure-you’re-one-of-us assumption think on our behalf. They dismiss the notion that we might have a different opinion. This is, for lack of a better word, rude.

Those with views different from yours may refrain from revealing them to preserve the harmony of the conversation. Or they may choose not to challenge you because they feel intimidated by you. Aware that they are giving the impression they agree with an opinion when in fact they don’t, they may feel frustrated. Spare them. Present your opinions as just opinions, rather than transcendental truths. Make room for disagreement. Invite feedback. Among the most civil utterances of all time is the simple, humble, and smart question “What do you think?” Let’s use it generously. Who knows, we may learn something by listening in earnest to an opposing view. We may even discover that our opinion is not as good as we thought it was and that it is time for us to change, time to expand our horizons.

Excerpt from P.M. Forni’s Choosing Civility

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Cell Phone Courtesy

By Barbara | Published: August 9, 2010

Mobile phones in hand, we are now in touch twenty-four/seven. Except, that is, with our manners.

Twenty-eight years ago, our movie screens were glowing with the story of an extraterrestrial who desperately needed to “phone home.” What made this implausible tale so appealing in 1982 was that we all could identify with being in a remote location without a way to contact loved ones. These days, that concept sounds hopelessly primitive. A sophisticated traveler like E.T. would surely have a sleek flip phone and a calling plan with no roaming charges. With one touch of the speed dial, he could sit back, enjoy a few Reese’s Pieces and be home before dinner.

Ironically, it’s we earthlings who have started to resemble aliens. Our cities are now filled with people who walk with their elbows in the air and mini-antennae protruding from their ears. Rarely do I see a car drive by without the driver talking on their cell. Still others stride on sidewalks, hands at their sides, talking (it seems) to no one but themselves.

Phone-aholics just can’t seem to resist the hurdy-gurdy sounds these devices make. No matter what they are doing, these addicts will drop everything to take an incoming call. It matters not that they are on a dinner date or in a business meeting. “Is that me?” they ask as they earnestly dive into their bags in search of the wailing offender. Woe to the would-be talker who discovers dejectedly that the ringing phone is someone else’s.

Although such scenes are now the norm, it was not long ago when the only people able to afford mobile phones kept them in a mahogany box in the back of their limousines. Even when these handy gadgets reached the masses, airtime was so costly that users kept their discussions short and sweet.

In this century, of course, talk is cheap. Enticed by calling plans that offer “free nights and weekends” or 4,000 “anytime” minutes, many of us are obsessed with chatter. Beaming through the airwaves as you read this are such lines as “I’m at the market … should I buy seven-grain or wheat?” and “Would you believe it? Some kid just kicked sand on my blanket!”

No matter where we are, whether the bread aisle or the beach, when our overstimulated attention spans wear thin, the cell phone provides a diversion. Perish the thought that we might take time to hear ourselves think. And with so many people talking, you have to wonder who’s doing the listening.

In 2005, according to the Cellular Telecommunications & Internet Association in Washington, D.C., forty-five percent of the U.S. population have cell phones. I’m sure it is much higher now. Where does that leave the remaining fifty-five? They are most likely in a movie, on a treadmill or at a restaurant not far from a thoughtless gabber who acting as if he were holed up in a private phone booth. As a result, it’s not just the phone owners who are doing the talking. Bring up the topic of cell phone abuse at a cocktail party, and you’re likely to get an earful of horror stories: the “Ode to Joy” during church services that emanates not from an organ but from a neglected phone. Women queuing up outside the ladies’ room while one of their own chats away in a much-need stall. Cashiers who roll their eyes when they have to stop mid-conversation to answer a customer’s query. Cab drivers who career is in and out of traffic while conversing cellularly. Business travelers who hide beneath their tray tables to get in one last sales pitch before takeoff. We’ve even lost the simple pleasure of being in a restaurant without the William Tell Overture and the Flight of the Bumblebee battling in the air.

On the rare occasions when their phones are not playing these classical tunes, airtime gluttons will testify “I don’t know how I ever managed without my phone.” Yet, for the majority of the 126+ years since Bell first called Watson, we did manage without phones on our hips. How did we get by? When we needed to talk with someone by phone, we would simply wait until we got home. No longer. “Nowadays when I take my kids to the park,” says a suburban mother of two, “all of the moms stand around talking on their phones. Yet we never speak with one another.” As I enjoy my daily run on the Prairie Path I see walkers engrossed in cell phone conversations, oblivious to the beauty of nature surrounding them.

If the marathon talkers were more considerate, ti might not be so bad. Unfortunately, we must endure their bellowing: “Whats that? You’re breaking up. Hey, John, stay right there. I’m going to call you back.” And cellular service being what it is, poor John is lucky if he can decipher every other word.

Even the call of the wild cannot drown out the call of the StarTAC. Many bikers, in-line skaters and joggers have long since decided that the best way to pass the time while exercising is to multitask. After all, why just pedal when you can trade stocks at the same time? And chances are, your broker is executing the transaction from an airport lounge, a car pool, a bus or a train.

Yes, thanks to cell phones, we are more connected today than ever. Yet that very same connectedness has brought its share of disconnection, too. And I don’t mean dropped signals. Many of us are simply abandoning in-person communication. In the process, we’re losing a degree of empathy that can be express only through body language and eye contact.

Fortunately, there are some who have realized that our urge to talk – regardless of time or place – has gone too far. President Bush was known to cast an evil glare at reporters whose cell phones went off during his press conferences. Depending on his mood, he would also stop his remarks mid-sentence and recite his speech over from the beginning. In San Diego, the cellular nuisance became so bothersome that the mayor held a Cell Phone Courtesy Week, encouraging users to “mind their mobile manners.” Many restaurants, schools, theaters and golf clubs tell their patrons the same thing. And on Amtrak’s northeast corridor trains, if you make a beeline for a Quiet Car, the only high-pitched tone you’ll hear aboard is the conductor’s whistle.

Yet even the most ardent cell-phone haters would agree that mobile technology now plays a vital role in our lives. On September 11, it enabled many ill-fated office workers and air travelers to say their final good-byes to family and friends. For countless other people – from stranded hikers to heart-attack victims – having a portable link to the outside world has been a literal lifesaver. So, the benefits of cell phones certainly outweigh the aggravations.

The lesson for us all, however, is that modern convenience must not tempt us to forgo common consideration. If you own a phone, remember to turn it off before entering a house of worship, a theater or a library. Always keep your phone off the dinner table and keep your ring setting simple, or better yet, use its vibrate or silent feature instead. And if you have a poor connection, don’t expect the party on the other end to decrypt your staccato utterings; try the call again from a landline.

If there is only one message to rise above the cellular din, let it be this: if you can’t avoid conversing in a public place, keep your discussion short, to the point and quiet. The phone company may not thank you, but those of us around you surely will.

Excerpt from: Tomas P. Farley’s Celling Out, in Town & Country Modern Manners.

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The Art of Conversation

By Barbara | Published: August 2, 2010

Conversation Is An Art Form.

The spoken word is our best form of communication. With words we can touch other people and help them to see the world from our vantage point, if only for a few minutes. We can use words to make others laugh, smile, cry, think, share. Every human emotion, every thought, has a word for it. We just have to decide how we want to use these words.

Listening to a person who possesses the gift of conversation is delightful. Some people are natural talkers. They are very much as ease communicating with others. These “naturals” are easy to spot. People gravitate to them at parties or in a crowded hall somewhere. People love to speak with the naturals because during the entire conversation they feel like equal and valued partners. A good conversationalist makes others feel special and listened to. They radiate love, joy, and emotion.

Learning how to feel comfortable in a group will require being an active part of the conversation. As in all other areas of etiquette, the art of conversation requires balance. It’s about giving and receiving, about thinking and reacting, about listening and perceiving. You must strike a balance between your participation and whomever else is involved in the discussion. Think about all those awkward moments you’ve undoubtedly spent listening to someone go on and on about his three dogs and vacations in Aspen for the last fifteen years. Others are not interested in everything about your life. So don’t dominate the conversation, but bring others into it. People love to feel involved and welcomed to be involved.

TO LISTEN IS DIVINE
A good conversationalist is one that begins with a considerate heart and who is genuinely interested in the person that they are speaking with. Being a good listener is one of the most important skills you will ever learn. Listening affects every facet of your life, from important business matters to what time you are meeting your mother for dinner. Everyone wants to be heard. Listening is a form of great respect.

TABLE TALK
Good table conversation separates an average party from one that is special and memorable. In a large gathering it is polite to talk to the other guests. Establishing eye contact with the person you are speaking with is necessary. Eye contact speaks of self-confidence and interest in whom you’re talking to. A good hostess knows how to get her guests talking and also how to move the conversation around the table to include each guest. The hostess usually keeps the tempo going by introducing new topics and by simply asking the guests a question. General topics are the order of the day.

Examples of Successful Topics:
* “Don’t grandchildren say the cutest things?”
* “I hear we’re due for some fabulous weather this fall.”
* “Have you been to the new restaurant on the corner of Main and Smith Street?”

As different as we are on the outside, our external differences pale in comparison with our individual thoughts and beliefs. No matter how skilled the hostess, there are just some subjects that should be omitted from the conversation altogether. Examples of these taboo subjects are the issue of the death penalty, abortion, details of an operation, or topics that are just too intimate for discussion in the dining room. This is an area where common sense should rule.

If you are still nervous about making interesting table talk, prepare yourself before an outing. Become well-informed by reading newspapers, being current in global news, and by simply doing your homework about the interests and hobbies of the people you will be with. It is always charming when someone knows a little about you.

SMALL TALK OR WHAT IS KNOWN AS “CHIT-CHAT”
Small talk is what is required when you are meeting someone for the first time. Basic etiquette calls for eye contact and a firm handshake. Small talk can sometimes be a nerve-racking experience, especially if you cannot think of anything to say. It is always a good idea to start the conversation by asking the person about themselves. This way, you not only endear yourself, but you also generate a subject to discuss. It is best to avoid getting too personal. Instead, stay general in your conversation. For example: “Mary tells me that you grow the most beautiful roses.”

A WORD TO THE WISE …
Respecting the other person’s right to their own viewpoint is not only mannerly .. it’s refreshing. Intense conversations should be reserved for courtrooms, debates, and negotiations. Definitely not for social situations! No matter where you are, there are a few topics that have always been, and will always be, taboo when it comes to topics open for discussion.

* Salary or net worth
* Commissions
* Promotions
* Job searches
* Your sex life
* Somebody else’s sex life
* Someone’s sexual orientation
* Age
* Affairs
* Criminal activities
* Weight

“DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT THE … ?”
Joking makes us seem witty and worldly. Everyone wants to be the person with the great sense of humor and a way with words. We want people to like us and to be drawn to our magnetic personalities. This is good. But joking can also be destructive.

A practical joke draws its humor from belittling another person or persons. It encourages others to make fun of someone at their expense. Be creative and find other ways to be the life of the party.

RUDE AND OFFENSIVE COMMENTS
Usually rude and offensive people do not know that they are rude and offensive. They do not think about what they say or how it will affect the person they are speaking with. Regardless if they intend to be rude and offensive or not, every now and then someone will say something out of place. Instead of correcting them it is better to ignore it and change the subject.

Vulgar language or obscene remarks are always, let’s repeat that, always out of place in conversation. Even if you think the person you are speaking with is all right with the language, don’t use it. It simply does not have a place. If you chose to incorporate these words into your daily vocabulary, please be mindful of others. Especially in venues like restaurants and other public places, be careful and considerate of others. If someone near you in a restaurant or stadium uses such language on a regular basis, it is perfectly acceptable for you to ask them to stop. “Would you mind not using such language, please?” There is no guaranteed response, however. They may realize what they sound like and stop or they may continue. Either way you demonstrate your disapproval.

I’M REALLY, TRULY SORRY
Apologizing is an important skill to learn, since it seems to come up almost daily and for some of us, hourly. Apologizing is important because it is our best response when we do something wrong. A verbal or written apology can soothe and restore a bruised relationship. good etiquette and good morals dictate that we should accept our wongdoing as eagerly as we accept the things we do right. It is a very gracious person who can do both.

TO INTERRUPT OR NOT TO … THAT IS THE PROBLEM
So you’ve gotten as far as the actual conversation. People are talking, having a good time, laughing. Smile. Relax. You’re doing just fine. Suddenly, there’s a problem. What happens when there’s an interruption? How do you handle that?

You can look at interruptions several different ways. First, you may be embroiled in a lovely conversation or an important business discussion when someone bungles in and interrupts the entire moment you were just having. So what do you do? How do you handle such impoliteness?

Well, most people … let’s rephrase that … most polite people will not interrupt another person’s conversation unless it is truly important. Listening is an act of courtesy. If you are interrupted, you could say, “I’ll be with you in a moment.” This is a polite way to keep control of the conversation, which makes you feel good. The interrupter may be bringing important news like there is a fire in the building or that your car is being towed. But regardless of the news, it is still important for you to act in kindness and politeness.

If on the other hand, it becomes necessary for you to interrupt the conversations of others, you might say the tried and true, “Excuse me.” Then wait patiently to be recognized. It doesn’t matter what end you’re coming from. The bottom line is be patient and polite and others should follow suit.

CORRECTING GRAMMAR
It is extremely improper to correct another person’s grammar when they are talking with you. It is not acceptable unless it is your child, and then do it discreetly.

BORING CONVERSATIONS OR THE BRAGGART
We have all had to endure the self-centered person who assumes control over the conversation. If you are standing with a group of people caught in that situation, simply excuse yourself and walk away. If, however, you are seated at dinner and cannot graciously excuse yourself, it is up to the hostess to rescue her guest. Of course, this should be done in a charming way. If you have to deal with it on your own, you might say “That’s an interesting viewpoint.” Then turn to the guest on your other side and start a new conversation.

HOW TO END A CONVERSATION
Some people simply do not know how to end a conversation. It is as easy as “I sure have enjoyed talking with you.” If it is a telephone conversation, the person calling is the one in charge of ending the conversation. Some examples in either situation would be:

* “Excuse me, Isee someone I need to speak with.”
* Have you met the Smiths yet? Come with me. I’d like to introduce you.”
* It’s been nice talking with you. I’ve enjoyed it.”

COMPLIMENTS
An honest compliment is a refreshing gift to anyone. When offered to your hostess it is a lovely way of showing your gratitude for her efforts to entertain you. On the other hand, an exaggerated compliment is insincere and should be avoided. Always make sure to thank your hostess at the end of a meal. You could say:

* “What a lovely meal. You served some of my favorite dishes.”
* “Thank you for including me in your lovely dinner party.”

THE DO’S FOR A GOOD CONVERSATION”

* Share the conversation. Let everyone take a turn.
* Keep the talk interesting and light.
* Never embarrass your hostess.
* Never ask what something cost.
* Never use rude or shocking language.
* Keep personal problems private, especially at another person’s expense.
* Be sincere with your compliments.
* Correct your spouse’s etiquette, grammar, or behavior in private.
* Talk with the people on your left and right when dining.
* Be honest.
* Listen carefully.
* Be respectful.
* Learn to compromise.

Excerpt taken from Ann Platz and Susan Wales book: Social Graces Manners, Conversation, and Charm for Today

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Relaxing after an Irritating Run-In

By Barbara | Published: July 26, 2010

I am often asked about handling situations where other people are obviously rude. You can not control the behavior of other people – you can only control yourself, so here are some tips to help you take a deep breath and relax after an irritating run-in.

Petty annoyances are inevitable consequences of being with other people in confined spaces. You encounter hundreds of irritants in a workday – the person who smacks her lips eating breakfast at her desk; the person who’s a drummer for Nine Inch Nails during all your phone calls; the colleague whose cologne permeates your cubicle like smoke; the cell phone user on the train that includes everyone in the car in their conversation whether anyone wants to be or not; the nosy neighbor that asks invasive questions; and all the other problem personalities that we cross paths with each day.

What are you supposed to do? The first thing to do is count to ten and relax. Other people will irritate you; you just have to be ready for irritations. If you’re constantly surprised by the strange things people say, eat, or smell like, your first change should be of your expectations. People are different – often, irritatingly so. Remember the morning affirmation of Marcus Aurelius, an emperor of Rome: “Today, I will be surrounded by people who irritate me. I will not demonstrate my irritation.”

The next thing to do is figure out the most helpful strategies for cooling your temper when the temperature starts to climb. Here are some simple suggestions for those first few minutes when you’re worried that you’re going to explode.

When someone does something that really bugs you:
* Look away and count to ten. Repeat as necessary until you calm down!
* Excuse yourself from the situation to get a drink of water.
* Imagine that you’re doing your favorite activity in your favorite place.
* Remind yourself that in a certain number of hours, you’ll be on your way home.
* Return to your desk or office, sit quietly for a few minutes, and plan your response.
* Kill them with kindness. In other words, rise above the situation, and always demonstrate calmness and patience.
* Ask the person on the cell phone to please lower their voice because you don’t really wish to be part of their conversation. Several years ago I read about a New Yorker that began reading her book out loud in response to the loud cell phone conversation next to her.

If you’re in a position in which you have to make an instant response to an incredibly annoying comment, swallow hard and be polite, but remember to stick up for yourself and your ideas.

It’s never necessary to respond to rudeness with rudeness. Always take the higher ground. You’ll not only feel better about yourself, but it also makes a positive impression. There are lots of ways to defeat these problematic people other than fighting back on their terms.

Helpful Hints For Dealing With An Invasive Question
Some people just don’t know any better than to ask questions you have no interest in answering or to engage you in conversation on topics you would rather not discuss. Sometimes, these people are just trying to be friendly. Unfortunately, they don’t know that their excessive inquisitiveness is unacceptably invasive.

Suppose that your colleague asks you about the story he saw in the paper about your dad’s recent arrest for gardening in the nude. You’re embarrassed by the question (and by your father!) you’d hoped that the matter would never come up. What do you do?
a) Say that it’s a long family tradition to garden in the nude, and wink.
b) Give a withering glare.
c) Apologize, but reply firmly that you won’t answer the question.
d) Ask why he’s asking (“So why do you ask?”)

Not surprisingly, any of these responses is fine. Each has its advantages, and each has its disadvantages. But generally, the best approach to responding to impertinent questions is politely asking the questioner why he’s asking. Also, smile – which usually embarrasses the other person enough to withdraw the question.

Excerpt taken from: Business Etiquette For Dummies Also check FREE eTips at dummies.com

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Stepping Down the Aisle

By Barbara | Published: July 19, 2010

Here come the mother and father of the bride and (often) their new spouses

Divorce is a word rarely found in vintage etiquette books. More pages are given over to how to eat a lobster in polite company than how to handle divorce or stepparents. Proper ladies and gentlemen didn’t divorce; they coexisted, and the etiquette writers never dealt with the problem of where to seat the father of the bride’s new wife at a wedding, because she was expected to stay home.

Emily Post’s 1930 Etiquette devotes just two pages to “When the Parents of the Bride Are Divorced.” In her primary scenario, Post describes Mary, a bride who has been lovingly reared by her mother. Mary’s father – the cad! – “has shown no concern” for his daughter. Mary’s mother, remarried after her divorce, is advised to send wedding invitations “exactly as though Mary’s real father were actually as well as legally dead.”

As for the divorced parents of a groom, Post dismisses their estrangement as “not noticeable.” The mother of the groom stands in the receiving line at the reception, of course, and “her former husband and his second wife may with propriety be guests at the reception, but they naturally avoid approaching his former wife.” The possibility that the father of the groom may be on his third or fourth marriage is not even considered.

Sad to say, eighty years later, the tide of divorce has become a flood, and more than 40 percent of today’s marriages are put asunder. Many of them are so-called starter marriages, childless unions that last only a year or two. But chances are that if there’s a wedding, there’s probably a divorce somewhere on one side of the aisle or the other. Often it’s a messy one, and there may be multiple stepparents.

The stories are not pretty. Some stories are so heartrending, wedding consultants often feel like the Ann Landers of weddings. Most questions from brides (rarely grooms!) deal with divorce. Brides can feel so despaired over getting her feuding parents to act amicably that she may end up having two receptions, one for each parent and his or her spouse.

One would think that parents could put aside their animosities for a few hours that it takes to get their offspring married, but weddings have traditions that are etiquette minefields for brides and grooms with multiple stepparents. A tradition as simple as who sits where can balloon into a festering mass of hurt feelings and angry words quicker than a minister can say “Dearly beloved.”

Here is a sampling of the etiquette questions often received from brides:

What responsibilities does the stepmother have in the wedding-planning process, particularly if her husband, the bride’s father, is paying for the wedding?
Unless she raised the bride, a stepmother should not expect to have any control over the wedding. She can, however, offer her assistance in running errands and handling mundane tasks for the bride and her mother. Money issues can lead to resentment from first wives, who usually think their children are owed elaborate weddings, and subsequent wives, who may struggle financially to subsidize them. To avoid misunderstandings, the couple should agree to a budget with the father of the bride and stick to it.

What if the stepmother is younger than the bride?
She should act older than her years and never, ever try to upstage the bride. If she was a factor in the breakup of the bride’s parents’ marriage and there is lingering bitterness, she should offer to do the right thing and stay home on the wedding day.

What is the role of a biological parent if he or she has not been a continuing presence in the bride’s or groom’s life?
Absent parents should not show up just before a wedding and expect to be greeted with open arms. The stepparent who has been a real father or mother to the bride or groom should be given the traditional parental honors of escorting the bride down the aisle and sitting in the front pew.

What is appropriate wedding-day attire for the mothers and stepmothers?
Just as the mother of the groom takes her fashion cue from the attire of the bride’s mother, so should stepmothers.

What if a bride has more than one stepparent? And what if she feels closer to stepfather Number Two than stepfather Number One or even her own father?
The bride has several options: she can be escorted down the aisle by a brother or another male family member; she can walk with her mother; or she can walk alone. Some brides opt to have one father escort them part of the way down the aisle before switching off to another – just like a baton in a relay race.

Who gives the bride away if she has a close relationship with all of her “fathers”?
It is an honor usually given to her biological father, but only the bride can decide the answer. When the presider asks the congregation “Who gives this woman to be married?” the one who has escorted her to the altar can be inclusive and say, “Her family and I do.”

Who sits where at the ceremony?
The front pews are reserved for the mothers of the bride and groom and their husbands, with the bride’s family on the left and the groom’s on the right. If the relationship is friendly, step-mothers are seated along with the fathers in the second or third row. If not, they are seated farther back. By the way, unless the bride and groom request special treatment for them, stepmothers are escorted into the service by an usher and seated just like any other wedding guest.

Receptions bring another set of problems, “The Gracious Stepparent’s Ten Commandments,” from Martha Woodham’s book Wedding Etiquette for Divorced Families, offers a quick guide. Here are a few of her favorites:
* Do not insist that your name be on the invitations, even if etiquette dictates that it should be.
* Do not fret when your spouse is asked to pose for family photos that include his or her ex.
* Do not insist on standing in the receiving line.
* Do not implore that your children be part of the wedding party.
* Do throw a party for the couple, but don’t upstage the festivities hosted by the father or mother.
* Do not try to outdo the parents in any way by dressing or acting in a manner that draws attention to yourself.

Remember: this is not your day.

But perhaps the best commandment is the simplest: life’s short; play sweet.

Excerpt from: Stepping Down the Aisle by Martha Woodham in Town & Country’s Modern Manners – The Thinking Persons Guide to Social Graces

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Good Manners & Forms of Address

By Barbara | Published: July 12, 2010

Good manners will open many doors for you. They are a passport to a world that is otherwise closed. Good manners signal that you have respect for others, and that you will rise to every occasion with grace. They suggest to everyone you come into contact with, including business associates, that you have taken the trouble to learn the social graces and can do them effortlessly. People with good manners do not have to stop and think about their actions. They come naturally. Your manners will help you achieve your goals, for without them, you are placing stumbling blocks in your path.

Basic manners are best learned when growing up. Needless to say, not everyone has them. The simple use of “please” and “thank you” can change the way people respond to you. “Please” changes an order into a request and “thank you” expresses gratitude. Showing appreciation and respect will help you get along with others.

Have you ever been in a situation of uneasiness because you or someone else did not practice correct table manners? Most likely you have. Knowing proper etiquette inspires trust, and that can give you the edge you need to move ahead in life.

Everyone should have enough assurance to introduce himself or herself properly, take clients out for lunch, attend the opera, ballet, and sports events without thinking twice about conduct.

Good manners = Consideration for yourself and others.

Good manners = Good business.

THE ART OF INTRODUCING PEOPLE
An introduction is the first impression you make on someone, so it is significant that you do it adequately. If your name gets mispronounced when you are introduced to others, repeat your name when you acknowledge them.

Basic Rules:
Socially, a man is always introduced to a woman:
* Mrs. Ann Dawson, may I present Mr. Tom Ford, our neighbor.

A young person is always introduced to an older person:
* Mr. Kelly, I would like you to meet my nephew, Justin Scott.

A less important person by title is always introduced to a more important person by title:
* Judge Norman Brown, may I introduce to you the president of our company, Mr. John Barnett.

Introducing Executives
* The most important executive is always introduced first, regardless of gender.
* Introduce a non-official to an official person.
* Introduce a junior executive to a senior executive.
* Introduce a fellow executive to a customer or client.
* Explain who the people are when introducing them.

ADDRESSING CORRESPONDENCE

Married Couples
To a husband and wife:
Mr. and Mrs. Blair Scott
Home Address

Mr. Blair Scott and Mrs. Jane Scott
Home Address

Mr. Blair Scott
Mrs. Jane Scott
Home Address

When the wife has kept her maiden name:
Mr. Blair Scott and Mrs. Jane Smith
Home Address

When the wife has a title and the husband does not:
Mr. Blair Scott and Dr. Jane Smith
Home Address

When both have titles:
Dr. Blair Scott and Dr. Jane Smith
Home Address

When the husband is a “Jr.”:
Mr. Blair Scott, Jr., and Mrs Jane Scott
Home Address

Business Letters
To non-official people:

Without a job title:
Mr. Blair Scott
Name of Company
Address

With a job title:
Mr. Blair Scott
President, Name of Company
Address

When a professional title follows the name (do not use Dr., Mr., Mrs., Miss, or Ms.):
Jane Smith, M.D. (not Ms. Jane Smith, M.D.)
Office Address

Blair Smith, Ph.D. (not Dr. Blair Smith, Ph.D.)
Address

David Jones, Esq. (not Mr. Blair Smith, Esq.)
Address

When a title goes before the name:
President David Jones
ABC Co.
Address

THE USE OF MS.
And addressing a woman who is widowed or divorced:
Ms. is now commonly used in the workplace for married, divorced, widowed, and single women. Some women prefer to use Mrs. once they are married, but may choose to use Ms. after being widowed or divorced. In general, if a woman wants to use Ms., her wishes should be respected.

Excerpt from: Fredica Cere Kussin’s All Etiquette

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Handling Ethical Work Dilemmas

By Barbara | Published: July 5, 2010

Saying “No” and Maybe – Just Maybe – Keeping Your Job”

Some ethical dilemmas come not from your taking advantage of your employer, but from your employer taking advantage of you. These problems are tough because you’re no longer in control. If you routinely browse the Web while you’re at work, you can change that situation. But if the owner of the company asks you to falsify employee records to avoid paying Social Security taxes, you’re no longer in control. Not only is the request unethical, but also, it’s combined with the implicit threat that if you won’t do it, you won’t have a job.

This situation is a classic professional dilemma. Millions of workers face variations on it every year. Your success or failure in dealing with situations like this depends more on your tact, diplomacy, and good manners than on anything else.

TIP: First, try to defuse the situation by giving the other person the option of retracting the request or demand. Try one of the following methods:
* Repeat the request. Say, “Let me make sure that I heard you correctly. You would like me to misreport our earnings this quarter. Is that correct?”
* Give the other person a blank stare.
* Say nothing.
* Say, “I’m not sure I heard that.”
* Say, “I’m sorry. Let’s look for another solution.”
* Say, “Excuse me a minute. I’m going to go for a drink of water. When I get back, we can start over.”

The aim of all these maneuvers is to get the person who’s making the improper request to think twice and retract that request. These techniques won’t always work. You may face a choice: Go along with the unethical request and compromise yourself in the process, or refuse to go along with it and face the consequences.

REMEMBER: It’s almost always in your self-interest and in the interest of your company to refuse an unethical request from another employee.

If you stand by your refusal, no doubt you will face some criticism and some discrimination from the person who made the request or demand. He may brand you as being disloyal or not a team player. Let him do so. Others will notice when you’re being persecuted for no apparent reason, and more often than not, they’ll guess what happened.

You may lose your job. That outcome is unlikely, but it does happen. Most of the time, the only result will be that the other person tries to get someone else to go along. Maybe she’ll find a co-conspirator; maybe she won’t. But you won’t be going along for the long tumble out of the company that she’s likely to take when her shenanigans are discovered – as they probably will be.

TIP: You could face lots of other ethical dilemmas at work. Some excellent resources are available for understanding the difficulties you face in your job. Recommended sources:
* The Bully at Work, by Gary Namie, PhD, and Ruth Namie, PhD (Sourcebooks)
* Ethics at Work, by Alice Darnell Lattal, PhD, and Ralph W. Clark, PhD (Performance Management Publications)
* Honest Work: A Business Ethics Reader, by Joanne B. Ciulla, Clancy Martin, and Robert C. Solomon (Oxford University Press, USA)
* When Good People Make Tough Choices: Resolving the Dilemmas of Ethical Living, by Rushworth M. Kidder (Harper Paperbacks)

Expert taken from: Overcoming Work-Related Challenges, Business Etiquette for Dummies by Sue Fox

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Socializing After Hours

By Barbara | Published: June 29, 2010

Whether you’re at an industry conference or at a meeting that’s only for your company’s employees, work lasts for only so long. In many cases, you’re on your own in the evenings. You may want to use this opportunity to get to know the people you work with – or want to work with – a little better.

Deciding whether to socialize
Before you get down to serious socializing, you should decide whether you want to attend any social event at all. How should you decide?

* If your boss or another influential person asks you out to dinner, don’t say no, even if you have a stack of work and a big headache. Although such opportunities are not strictly part of the work day, they’re an important part of your career. Even if the invitation is from a peer, you usually should accept. If you routinely turn down opportunities to socialize with your colleagues, you risk getting a reputation for being aloof or not a team player.

* On the other hand, if you’re craving an evening alone, you may not make a very good dinner companion. Particularly on long trips when you’re working long days, you may be tired, cranky, and overwhelmed with work. On those occasions, it’s all right to tell colleagues, “I’m really not up to dinner this evening; I’m planning to get some work done and turn in early.” Politely stick to your guns if they try to change your mind. You have every right to use your evening the way you want to.

Anecdote: A busy executive for a telecommunications company travels frequently, and he almost always has dinner with colleagues. He’s learned to recognize his own limits, however, and sometimes lets others know that he’s going to slam and click: shut his hotel-room door, click the lock shut, and open it for no one but room service! As long as you don’t use it too often, the slam and click can be a great strategy for renewing your energy.

Sticking To A Few Simple Rules
So you’ve decided to go out with some colleagues after work. Great! When dining with colleagues, you should follow the standard rules for business dining. Here are a few additional guidelines for socializing after hours:
* When you’re with people from work, the conversation often drifts toward office gossip. Watch your step, keep your own comments to a minimum, and resist the temptation to say anything vicious or untrue. Although you may be forced to respond to a question like “Is it true that you heard Sam getting chewed out because he messed up on the IPO?”, avoid wallowing in your own contempt for Sam and his incompetence. Just say something like this: “I heard that he and Sue had a big talk about the offering, but other than that, I don’t really know what happened.” Your colleagues may be disappointed if they can’t get some good gossip, but that’s their problem, not yours.

* If you’re with your boss or some other senior person, you should follow that person’s lead in ordering. If he orders an appetizer and an additional side dish, you should too. Keep courses balanced so that everyone is eating at the same time.

* Although you can always drink less than the senior person, you should not drink more. Two or three glasses of wine during a business dinner are plenty for almost everyone. (It isn’t even necessary for you to drink to make your clients comfortable, as long as your behavior in no way suggests disapproval of their drinking.)

Be careful! Getting drunk in front of your colleagues will make you look pathetic and out of control, not fun and sophisticated. Know your limit, and stay well under it. If you’re having drinks at cocktail hour or later in the evening, drink slowly, and have at least one glass of water for each alcoholic drink. When you’re drinking wine or beer with dinner, savor it slowly. If you feel even close to woozy, stop drinking, and keep eating.

* In addition to keeping your conversation under control, staying sober can keep you from doing things you will regret back at the office. Even if you haven’t had a thing to drink, however, being out of town can make you feel that a liaison with that attractive coworker isn’t so far of of reach. Resist, resist, resist! You shouldn’t do anything out of town that you wouldn’t do back at home. Why?
- If your colleague isn’t interested in your advances, you may find yourself facing a sexual-harassment claim or, at the very least, an awkward situation.
- Keep in mind that you have to work with this person for the foreseeable future.
- Stories about your after-hours activities may – and probably will – find their way back to the office gossip, and possibly to your boss or members of your family. Even if you think you’re being very discreet, you may be the subject of next week’s nudges and smirks.

Questionable behavior with consenting adults from other companies may be slightly less risky, but not much less.

Excerpt taken from: Business Etiquette For Dummies

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