Contemporary, universally accepted Etiquette and Leadership programs

The art of dining well is no slight art, the pleasure not a slight pleasure.

MICHEL DE MONTAIGNE, ESSAYS, 1588

Today the world is a smaller place. Exotic ports and distant places are only hours away. Electronic communication, mass media, global travel, and international trade expose us to cross-cultural table manners where food may be eaten with fingers rather than utensils, and seating may be on the ground rather than at the table.

Throughout the ages table manners have followed logic, a code of civility based on common sense, courtesy, and comfort, that provides a way to interact with one another in a practical manner. But so often the customs that prevail in the West are not followed in the East. Buffet service is considered impolite in many parts of the world because it is impersonal. In China, smacking one’s lips is an expression of appreciation of the food and culinary skills of the chef or the host, but in the West the sound is inappropriate and considered impolite. Although an audible belch is poor manners in Western countries, in Asia it praises the munificence of the host. In the West, finger food is taken with either hand, but in the East, it is always taken with the right hand because the left is associated with toilet activities.

When you are unsure how to proceed in another culture, follow the logic of common sense, and remember the old dictum, “When in Rome do as the Romans do.”  When people from the East dine in Western homes they sit in chairs, eat from tables, and use knives and forks. Westerners who dine in a Asian or African home eat according to the customs of the host. In a sophisticated Eastern city, the Westerner sits at a table laid with flatware, but in a rural village, where the old methods prevail, he takes food with fingers from dishes laid out on the floor. Sometimes both fingers and utensils are used: for example, meat taken with fingers from a central joint cut by the host. Bread held with fingers may be used as a utensil to pick up morsels of food. In many Chinese restaurants in the West, Asians eat with utensils and Caucasians use chopsticks.

Whatever the customs, in today’s changing world cross-cultural attitudes prevail, and so often menus feature a fusion of Western and Asian foods, such as Japanese-Italian dishes that require proficiency with chopsticks and forks. But, when a code of conduct ceases to apply, it is quickly forgotten and relegated to the pages of history.

The time to know and respect “thy neighbors’ ways” is now, including table manners. When in doubt, follow the customs of the host country, and proceed with a certitude based on common sense, courtesy, and comfort.

Excerpt from: The Art of the Table, by Suzanne Von Drachenfels

When you stop to reflect, you can see the logic in the importance to others of your own table manners. Whenever people sitting at your table or even near you glance in your direction, they can’t help but notice how you are handling yourself during the course of a meal. If your table manners are graceful, their perception of you will be very favorable.

Catching Food in Your Teeth

Never use a toothpick at the table, even if you feel you have a gravel pit in your mouth. Try drinking some water to help the situation, and if you feel your teeth are really decorated with food, excuse yourself for a second to go to the restaurant rest room or to a bathroom in your host’s home. There you can vigorously rinse your mouth — or even use your toothpick if you absolutely have to.

As far as sticking a knife blade or a fingernail into your teeth to remove food at the table, don’t do it anywhere near anyone you’ve ever been in love with. (It will make them sick!)

When a Bug Appears

If a little bug crawls out of your salad, pick it up quickly with your napkin, without saying a word, and dispatch it (dead) under the table. Don’t point it out with great glee (or revulsion) to anyone else sitting with you, because you might ruin the rest of the entire dinner for most of the people sitting at your table.

Coping with Garlic or Onion Breath

You may feel your presence at home, in the office, or at a party will be less than well received, given the amount of garlic you have just consumed at a particular meal. Any one of the following actions might help you deal with the problem, to everyone’s relief:

• Chew and swallow some fresh parsley.
• Rub a piece of lemon over your tongue and the insides of your mouth.
• Chew a few coffee beans.
• Use some mints
• Take some antacid.

Excerpt from New Manners for New Times by Letitia Baldrige

As a salesperson, your primary objective is to gain your customer’s trust. Touch can be a useful tool in building and solidifying that trust. Here are a few useful suggestions about when to touch – and when to absolutely not touch – a customer.

Touch them “accidentally”.  One study done on librarians showed that  when they returned a library card, those patrons whose palms they touched were more likely to say they enjoyed the experience and would be inclined to return.  Although librarians aren’t money focused, they are “selling” the library, and these kinds of accidental touches – handing someone a pen, showing them a folder of literature, handing them a menu – can create an instant bond where one didn’t exist before.

Touch them when you’re talking about the perks.  “This car gets forty miles to the gallon” (tap, tap, on the hand or forearm).  That touch will feel like you’re coconspirators in marveling at the extraordinary perks of this car, as if to say, “We’re both discerning people and we know how poor fuel efficiency usually is, but this one is truly amazing.”

Touch them when you can see their interest is piqued.  Let’s say you’re a real estate agent, and you’ve already brought your prospects around to two different houses – one beautiful, but out of their price range, and one horrific, but solidly in their price range. Now you’re bringing them to a house you want them to buy – in their price range, very well kept.  They walk in and, you can see their demeanor change – widened eyes, smiles, expressions of delight on their faces.  This is you moment.  Gently touch them on the arm, and say “Look at this place. It seems to have everything you wanted.”  Don’t touch too long – just about two seconds. Touch briefly and release, long enough to make a connection while they’re falling in love with the place.

Touch them when you can see they’re slipping away. You can also use this touch if you’re sitting with them at the signing table and you sense they’re slipping away a bit. Just reach out and touch with a comment like, “Just a few more places to sign and you are the owner of . . .”  The touch lets them know you’re on their side, and that you’re someone to be trusted.

Touch them to reinforce a good experience.  This touch goes especially for waitstaff. Research shows that if a waitress touches her customers as she returns the change or the charge slip to their table, she’s more likely to receive a big tip. As you put the folder on the table, touch them on the shoulder and say, “Thank you so much for coming in. Enjoy the rest of your evening.”  Leave them with a big smile. No matter how busy you are with the rest of your tables, don’t ever rush that good-bye moment, as that parting impression will influence what kind of tip they leave.

Don’t touch them if they start to doubt you.  If their eyes narrow at something you’ve just said, or they break eye contact suddenly, don’t choose that moment to start pawing at them.  Instead, begin the rapport building process again and take the conversation in a different direction.  If you touched them at that moment, you might be seen as trying to manipulate them back into the sale instead of appealing to their rising concerns.

Excerpt from: The Power of Body Language, How to Succeed in Every Business and Social Encounter by Tonya Reiman

Protocol School of Washington Press Release: New York, May 27, 2011 – A recent survey of more than 500 human resources and business professionals found half of all college grads don’t exhibit professionalism at work and executives don’t expect any change in the near future.  No surprise to Pamela Eyring, President of The Protocol School of Washington, global leader in business etiquette and international protocol since 1988 and the first (and only) accredited school of its kind in the U.S.  Soft (people) skills account for 85% of one’s job success and are what PSOW has been teaching for more than two decades – it’s why the school started National Business Etiquette Week, now in its 5th year.  “We want to spotlight the importance of people skills, professionalism, and protocol: how you shake hands, make eye contact, and dress appropriately at work.”  A recent York College of Pennsylvania poll ranked inappropriate appearance the top unprofessional work behavior.   Eyring also adds, “College grads grew up on technology and don’t realize Smartphones, and now Tablets, are huge distractions that send a message to the other person that ‘this text, this e-mail, this download’ is more important than you.  It screams poor communication skills.”  A recent Yahoo! Hotjobs poll sums it up: “A third of more than 5,000 respondents said they often check e-mails during meetings” with HotJobs noting, “Such habits have their price.”  To promote professionalism at work, June 5 – 11, PSOW is offering fans on their Facebook page a complimentary, $129 value eLearning lesson – Make a Good Impression with the Right Business Attire.

To help the Class of 2011, during National Business Etiquette Week, June 5 – 11, PSOW (www.psow.edu) is also offering advice to help grads get, and keep, a job.  Eyring’s favorite tip is to get a ‘personal business card’ with their name and contact info.  “The Wall Street Journal reported (April 17, 2011) ‘personalized business cards are enjoying a revival and job-hunters are finding them a handy way to differentiate themselves from the masses.’”  Eyring agrees with The Journal that personal business cards don’t shout; they flirt – with potential employers and are a quiet rebuttal to the jabber-jawing of Twitter and Facebook.

Tips for College Grads on the Job Hunt

1. Clean up your virtual image.  Delete all inappropriate photos and text form social networking sites, including your friends’ sites.  Replace with more professional photos, 1-2 page resume and 2-3 references (from summer jobs or internships).
2. Dress like a professional.  Wear a neutral colored suit.  Ties and polished shoes for men, closed-toe shoes, traditional jewelry, and some make-up for women (employers view a little make-up as professional).  Also, don’t show too much skin.  It’s employers #1 complaint.
3. Research the company.  Know their history, vision, and recent press.
4. Turn off your cell phone.  A ringing or vibrating phone is distracting.
5. Don’t arrive too early.  More than 10 minutes early shows anxiety.  Being late could cost you the job.
6. Make direct eye contact.  Hold eye contact 40-60% of the time, shake hands making firm web-to-web contact (when meeting and leaving), and maintain straight (not too stiff) posture.
7. Write a thank-you note.  Spend five minutes “writing” a thank-you note on quality, white or ecre colored paper and boost your hiring chances by 20%.  Send it within 24 hours of the interview.

Founded in 1988 to meet the needs of an expanding global economy, The Protocol School of Washington http://PWOW.edu has trained more than 3,000 graduates from 45 countries.  PSOW is the only nationally accredited business etiquette, image and international protocol school in the nation, and is the acknowledged leader in business etiquette and protocol training.  It is owned by graduate and former Chief of Protocol at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base, Ms. Pamela Eyring, who has worked with heads of state, CEOs of the Fortune 500 and four-star generals.  In 2009, Ms. Eyring expanded PSOW by taking it overseas and holding courses in Dubai, Trinidad & Tobago, and Turkey.  PSOW trainers hail from The White House, Disney, the military and corporate America.

PSOW

www.psow.edu

Most table settings include salt and pepper shakers or grinders.  At formal meals, you’ll see individual salt and pepper dishes with tiny spoons.

WARNING!  In some situations, where there is no salt or pepper on the table, do not ask for any salt; this is considered an insult to the chef. It is fine to ask for pepper however, because it is considered a condiment and salt is considered a flavor enhancer.

REMEMBER:  Thoughtfully taste your food before you add any seasoning.  The chef has tried to achieve perfect seasoning, and when you reach for the salt and pepper immediately, you indicate that perfection was not quite achieved. Always pass the salt and pepper as a pair so that they can stay together throughout the meal.

Excerpt from Business Etiquette For Dummies by Sue Fox

by John Sedgwick

Tired of being thanked “for your patience” and told to

“have a nice day?” Perhaps it’s time for a refresher

on speaking from the heart.

When my Internet service went down the other day, I knew the drill.  Call customer service; be put on endless hold while a recorded voice repeatedly apologizes “for any inconvenience”; grind teeth.  That’s the cost of living in the modern world, I figured.  For me, the profound distress came later, when a human being finally did come on line and offered generic apologies in the same robotic tones of automated sorrow that I’d gotten from the machine.

It was the impersonality of the exchange that was so galling.  The woman on the  phone wasn’t apologizing to me. She was merely apologizing. Indeed, she kept shifting to the first-person plural, that grand, anonymous “we,” instead of the more authentic “I.”  And her words were pure cardboard. She didn’t say anything human like “I know that can be a pain” or “It happened again? I’m so sorry!” No, she stayed relentlessly on message, like some mindless pol in front of a TelePrompTer.

It’s not just my Internet service that specializes in canned speech.  Key words and phrases have grown invisible quote marks around them that render them inoperative.  People aren’t sorry; they are “sorry,” which is to say they are not sorry at all.  “Have a nice day” now means something closer to “Go jump in a lake.”  “Thank you for your patience” is particularly empty, since, at the point we hear it, our patience is already gone.

Then again, many of these phrases are meaningless to start with.  Take that “any inconvenience.”  The “any” is so all-inclusive, the “inconvenience” so trivializing, that the saying does nothing except dismiss my individual, unique suffering.

This phenomenon must be contagious, because so many of our everyday utterances have all the flavor, bite and food content of tofu.  We don’t have surgery; we undergo a “procedure.”  No jams for us; we experience a “situation.”  We don’t have complaints, but “issues.”  Sins are out; wicked behavior is merely “inappropriate.”  Only postal workers are ever ticked off, venomous, ready to kill; everyone else has “concerns.”  Mild concerns, really, as there is no other type.

Emotionally, we seem to live in a wee world, where experiences come in one size only – small.  It’s like on airplanes: when pilots casually note “a little bumpiness,” it really means that your 747 is being slammed by hurrican-force winds that have dropped it 1,000 feet.  We have all endured the “slight delay” that leaves us baking on the tarmac for hours or been treated to the “bit of a snack,” which is actually just that.

But this miniaturization comes in a more insidious form, too, one in which tiny emotions are wildly exaggerated to look like big ones.  It’s not just the movie critics burbling about how they “love!” some big-budget spectacular flopperoo.  They find it “amazing,” “incredible” or (if they’re Brits) “absolutely brilliant.”  Everybody “loves!” everything nowadays.  Which is to say they experienced mild relief that the subject in question was not quite as dull as they’d feared.  Unless, of course, they “hated!” it, in which case, sadly, it was.

The plain truth, honestly expressed, is powerful stuff, and I’m not suggesting we can take too much of it.  Terminal cancer, religion, an accurate description of what one person genuinely feels for another – all of these topics require delicate handling, no question.  There is nothing worse in a social situation than calling a spade a spade.  Or, I might add, more memorable.  One time when Winston Churchill had had a few too many, an elderly constituent upbraided him: “Why, Mr Prime Minister, you’re drunk!”  “Yes, madam,” came the unforgettable retort, “and you are ugly.  But I will be sober in the morning.”  To politicians nowadays, no one is ugly, least of all a voter.  That same unctuous caution has caught all of us in its goo.  It’s not just political correctness either.  Technobable, illiteracy, bureaucratese and the fear of lawsuits have all done their bit to take the zing out of public discourse.

Ironically, while language in the real world is being emptied, the dramatic arts, at their best, offer us glowing examples of concise, pungent and, at times, heart-wrenching speech.

There is no question of Rick Blaine’s state of mind in Casablanca when Humphrey Bogart utters the desperate line “Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.”  Who doesn’t feel for Marlon Brando’s character in On the Waterfront when he laments that he “could have been a contender… instead of a bum, which is what I am.”  And who among us would doubt Jack Nicholson’s sincerity when, playing a crabby obsessive-compulsive writer in As Good As It Gets, he tells Helen Hunt, “You make me want to be a better man.”  Such lines may be artful, but they nonetheless convey powerful emotion directly and urgently. They connect.

But the best lines, of course, aren’t lines at all.  They come from the heart and go to the heart.  This means skipping the bureaucratic cliches and technospeak, addressing yourself directly to your audience, telling the truth and doing your best to sound sincere.  That wouldn’t have brought my Internet service back, but it would have provided a connection that would have, right then, been more important – the human one between her and me.

Excerpt from: Town & Country Modern Manners, The Thinking Person’s Guide to Social Graces

1. To ignore a request from the parents, or even to “pass the buck” to another sibling, when there’s a chore to be done, an errand to be run, a favor to be granted.
2. To be someone who cannot keep a secret who is the family “snitch.”
3. To go through a family member’s mail or listen to telephone calls, read e-mails, or commit any other sin against the privacy of someone else in the family.
4. To borrow a car, a piece of clothing, or anything without the ower’s express permission, and once given, failing to return it in a timely fashion and in perfect condition.
5. To refuse to lend a possession desperately needed by a sibling, whether it’s a car, a piece of clothing, or an electronic device needed for work.
6. To make fun of someone in the family who may have erred or shown poor judgment, thus humiliating that person even more.
7. To criticize a family member’s friends, including the parents’.
8. To refuse to help make the house presentable when company is coming.
9. To mistreat or not give proper care to a sibling’s pet.
10. To taunt a sibling about a boyfriend or girlfriend.
11. To be cavalier about immediately transmitting a message for a family member.
12. To point out a sibling’s inadequacies to the person’s peers at school.
13. To make fun of a family member’s handicap or affliction.
14. To react without sympathy when a sibling is in crisis, whether it’s depression over a boyfriend or girlfirend, humiliation over an athletic failure, or anguish over not being admitted to the college of choice.
15. To be unhelpful or even rude to a parent’s or grandparent’s visitor.
16. To feel one is above helping a sibling in need of advice about physical appearance, yet feel free to criticize that sibling on matters that are termed “unwelcome interference.”
17. To be a bad influence on younger siblings because of the child’s own behavior in the home.
18. For the child to think it’s “cool” to show disrespect to a parent; or for parents to feel they can show lack of respect for a child.
19. For any member of the family to be too busy to lend a sympathetic ear to anyone else.
20. To remain angry at any family member, regardless of who’s right and who’s wrong. “The family” is too precious to allow anything to seriously rupture its cohesiveness.
21. To allow the younger members of “the tribe” to abrogate their duty to take care of their elders, when they need compassionate care.
22. To try to cause further divisions in the family between step-relatives, half brothers and sisters, with all generations trying to outmaneuver one another.

Excerpt from Letitia Bald