Pay attention to others’ reactions to the way you manage space in conversation. By taking a step back, the other person may be letting you know that you are standing too close. Do respect the new distance between the two of you, rather than unthinkingly taking a step forward. Codes of personal space vary from culture to culture. For Southern Europeans, Latin Americans, and Arabs, for instance, sitting, standing, and walking only a few inches from one another is seldom a problem. Northern Europeans and many North Americans, however, need more personal space to feel at ease. So, when in Rome . . . at least be aware that personal space may be measured differently than at home.

Many people touch others as they converse with them. Although there is no excuse for grabbing, a squeeze of a hand, an arm, or a shoulder is acceptable, depending on the circumstances. At work, it’s a good idea to keep touching to a minimum. As you allow more room for spontaneity in your personal life, don’t assume that every friend or acquaintance will be at ease with physical contact. To many people, being touched feels like a violation of personal space. Pay attention to others’ reactions to your touching and stop at the first sign of uneasiness. In turn, make others aware of how you feel about being touched. If they can’t read your body language or won’t pay attention to it, tell them.

Respect that extension of personal space some call territory. Our home is our territory, and so is our office at work or the space we have claimed for our family on the beach on a sunny summer day. Our territory is any space we are entitled to control. The stranger who comes to sit at your table in a crowded cafeteria without asking whether you mind is violating your territory. The deliveryman who lets himself into your office without knocking on the door first is doing the same. And so is the driver who tailgates you when you’re on your way home from the office. In different ways, they show a lack of respect for a space that should be yours. By extension, they don’t respect you. They are all acting rudely. The only difference is that the tailgater is also a threat to the lives of others. That’s incivility with a vengeance.

Sometimes we make it difficult or impossible for others to have access to space that they should be able to claim without hassle. Have you ever placed your briefcase on the seat next to you on a train, hoping to discourage other travelers from occupying it? If that’s not rude, it’s at least not very nice. What is certainly rude, however, is to position your car so that it occupies two parking spaces instead of one. Unauthorized parking in the spaces for the handicapped is a similar breach of civility that seems to be on the rise. There is simply no excuse for it.

Respect for others’ territory at home is a sound foundation for good relationships. We all have parts of our home we consider our own more than others – maybe a bedroom, a study, a closet, a bathroom, a workstation, or a workshop in a corner of the garage. It is not unreasonable to expect that those who live with us will leave those spaces as undisturbed as possible. Nobody should barge into any bedroom or bathroom that others use as well. Children five years and older should always ask permission to enter their parents’ bedroom even if the door is open. Living rooms, family rooms, and kitchens are everybody’s space. Anybody needing exclusive use of them for a considerable amount of time ought to make sure that’s not a problem for the other members of the household. In general, whenever you are at home, make sure that you are not interfering with what others are doing at the very moment. Exercise good judgment regarding when to bring friends into the home and how long they should remain. Throughout their stay you are responsible for making sure that they are not loud intrusive, or disruptive.

Respecting others’ territory at work is also a must. Make it part of your professional identity. Office space today often knows no doors and is framed by shoulder-high partitions rather than walls. Because privacy is so difficult to obtain, we are all expected to make a valiant effort to be discreet. Keep your voice low, whether you are speaking with someone present or on the telephone. Use a conference room for teamwork or if you have visitors. Shouting between cubicles is intrusive and annoying. Whenever you need to talk to coworkers, either call them on the telephone, email them, or get up and walk. Don’t just step into their cubicles with your problem at the ready, however, but rather ask if you may come in and if they have time to talk. Should the other person be on the telephone at the time of your arrival, don’t hover, but rather leave and come back later. Don’t drop your purse, briefcase, or papers on your coworkers’ workstations, and refrain from picking up and examining anything belonging to them.

Show no interest in your coworkers’ faxes and sundry correspondence and don’t let your glance rest on the email message (or anything else, for that matter) they may have on their computer screen. Finally, unless it is common practice in your workplace to swap workstations, use your coworkers’ only with their permission or if instructed to do so my your boss. When you are finished, leave everything as you found it, adding just a thank-you note with the day and times of your presence there. People exiting elevators take precedence over people entering them. The same threshold etiquette applies to the entering and exiting from buildings, stores, office, and rooms of all kinds. Anyone stepping out ought to be allowed to do so before anyone else steps in. It is a logical sequence of space management: first comes the vacating, then the filling.

When waiting for your table in a restaurant, don’t hover over the tables of others. Should you spot people you know, you may stop at their table for a greeting, but don’t invite yourself to join them. If they invite you and you are comfortable with the unplanned arrangement, go ahead and accept. When the people you know are in the company of people you don’t know, acknowledge them with just a nod or a “Hello” as you walk to your table. Don’t stop and linger at their table in the hope that introductions will be made. It is up to your acquaintances or friends to give you a clear indication that they want you to stop and chat.

Respect the privacy of the strangers sitting at neighboring tables. Refrain from insinuating yourself into their conversation. It is not appropriate to ask them what they think of this or that dish on the menu, nor should you volunteer your opinions on the food. Finally, keep your little children from wandering to the tables of other diners.

A FEW MORE WORDS ON CIVILITY IN THE WORKPLACE
One key measure of our satisfaction at work is the quality of the relationships we have with our coworkers. Good relationships contribute to keeping stress down. This is a blessing in an environment where the sources of stress are manifold and often difficult to eliminate. It seems likely that workplace climate issues will become increasingly prominent in the next several years. Simply put: We are going to be more and more aware of the toll that work-related stress takes on us. And we will become more and more willing to do something about it. What does this mean? Let’s consider the quandary millions of workers are facing today.

Today’s workers are aware of the possibility that their retirement may start later than they anticipated. This is owing, in part to the fact that Social Security and medical costs increase with an increased life expectancy. Workers may have to work more to finance their longer lives. At the same time, the increase in workplace stress caused in part by a prevalent strategy of cost reductions makes retirement more appealing. Many workers want to retire sooner than anticipated.

We are facing a conflict, then, between the need to stay on the job for a longer time than anticipated and the inclination to quit sooner. It’s not unreasonable to predict that lower-stress workplaces – workplaces, that is, where civility makes for better relationships among coworkers – will become very appealing. These are the workplaces where organizations will manage to attract and retain an increasing number of first-rate workers. This should be a strong incentive for organizations to promote a culture of civility in their workplaces.

Excerpt from: Choosing Civility by P.M. Forni

HAPPINESS DOES NOT DEPEND ON OUTWARD THINGS, BUT ON THE WAY WE SEE THEM. — Leo Tolstoy

The Bible, Gautama Buddha, Marcus Aurelius, Ralph Waldo Emerson, and William James are among the most frequently quoted sources of this momentous notion: our happiness does not spring from the events of our lives but rather from how we choose to respond to those events. Many students of human happiness see life satisfaction as a product of the thinking Self.

Our lives are made of events over which we have little or no control. What we can control is how we are going to think about those events. Although we cannot choose no traffic over congested highways for our back-to-work Monday-morning commute, we can choose how to react to traffic. Even in the worst of circumstances we can react with positive thoughts. While stuck on a beltway in our motorized metal cocoons we can think that this is a good opportunity to do some serious, undisturbed work-related planning. Such a positive reaction to a non-positive event will yield happy feelings rather than unhappy ones.

Our feelings are products of our thoughts. A positive thought produces a feeling of contentment or happiness, a negative one a feeling of sadness or despondency. If we have control over what we think about what happens to us, we have control over how we feel about it as well. This means, in turn, that we can be the makers of our own happiness. To say that this is an empowering message is an understatement. It comes, however, with quite a burden of personal responsibility, since it prevents us from blaming our misery on our circumstances. Be that as it may, the pronouncement of a thousand thinkers is unequivocal: our contentment and happiness are a matter of personal attitude.

HE WHO HAS SUCH LITTLE KNOWLEDGE OF HUMAN VALUE AS TO SEEK HAPPINESS BY CHANGING ANYTHING BUT HIS DISPOSITION WILL WASTE HIS LIFE IN FRUITLESS EFFORTS AND MULTIPLY THE GRIEF HE PROPOSES TO REMOVE. — Samuel Johnson

Who wouldn’t want to acquire an attitude that invites happiness into our lives? Unfortunately, having a positive attitude is not as simple as putting on new clothes. We should take the invitation to self-reliance with a modicum of common sense. To say that we are to look inside ourselves for ways to cope successfully with the difficulties of life doesn’t mean that we should ignore the outside world. Our relationships with others are an invaluable resource of meaning and happiness.

THERE IS NO JOY EXCEPT IN HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS. — Antoine de Saint-Exupery

When we excel in the art of sustaining good relationships we can afford to be less than perfect in the art of a positive attitude. And contentment and joy will come to us in unalloyed form.

Excerpt from: Choosing Civility, by P.M. Forni

Language
English is the official language of Australia; however, Australians’ colorful vocabulary, accent, and slang can take a lot of getting used to. The two official languages of New Zealand are English and Maori. English is the language of day-to-day business within New Zealand – a remnant of ties to the British Commonwealth.

WARNING: New Zealanders take great pride in their proficiency in the English language and hold anyone who also does so in high esteem. They are less forgiving of mistakes in spelling, grammar, and syntax made by Americans, Canadians, and Australians (other than those whose first language isn’t English).

Appropriate Dress
Men wear a conservative dark business suit, white or colored dress shirt, and tie. Always try to be tasteful and stylish, and lean toward the conservative. Women are advised to dress simply but elegantly, wearing a dress or a skirt and blouse for business.

Informal clothing is appropriate for working in the information-technology sector. Casual pants are fine for both men and women in this area.

Greeting Rituals
Greetings are casual, often consisting simply of a handshake and a smile. Australian and New Zealander handshakes are firm and quick. Giving someone a limp handshake is referred to as giving someone a “dead fish,” so keep it firm. Don’t grasp the other person’s hand with both of yours, and don’t keep shaking. Women typically don’t shake hands with one another in Australia but typically do in New Zealand. In both countries, women are expected to extend their hands to men first.

Australians and New Zealanders dislike pretense. Although you should call someone by his last name when you first meet him, this practice won’t last long – especially in Australia, as you’ll probably soon be invited to call your host by his first name. New Zealanders are more reserved when you first meet them, but they, too, will warm to you quickly. Announcing your title when you meet is offensive because it’s perceived as showing off.

Business cards are exchanged, but little or no ceremony is attached to the exchange.

Handling Meetings
Meetings start on time and get to the point at hand without many preliminaries in both countries. In fact, in New Zealand, arriving a few minutes early is polite. Business is conducted with respect, honesty, directness, and a trace of a sense of humor, but avoid showing strong emotions. Even though meetings generally are relaxed, they are considered serious matters. A brief amount of small talk is common.

TIP: If you make a presentation, keep it simple. Avoid making exaggerated claims and adding a bunch of bells and whistles.

Dining and Entertaining
Lunch can be a business affair, but both the near-obligatory call at the pub and dinners are social events. Arrive on time in Australia and New Zealand.

Table manners are Continental style, with meals often served family style. Although both Australians and New Zealanders typically are casual in their manners, follow proper protocol on more formal occasions.

TIP: Meeting for tea is common. Afternoon tea is around 4 or between 6 and 8 p.m. and is an evening meal.

Giving and Receiving Gifts
Bringing a bottle of Australian wine, a box of chocolates, a book about one’s home country, or some other small item to your host’s dinner party is expected. Don’t bring anything lavish, however. Recipients customarily open gifts when they’re presented.

Social Taboos
Being overly demonstrative with another man is a taboo for men in Australia and New Zealand. Also, trying your hand at saying “G’day, mate” is more likely to result in offense than anything else. The “V for victory” sign is given palm out; given palm in, it is offensive.

FAUX PAS: Certain national sensitivities are particular to New Zealanders. The term mainland isn’t used for either the North or South islands of New Zealand; neither is it used to refer to Australia.

Excerpt from: Doing Business on a Global Scale, Business Etiquette for Dummies

Respecting others’ opinions is part of a larger attitude of respect – respect for the whole person – that we are expected to develop as we grow up. Respect for opinions is not an easy art at all. It requires self-esteem, self-control, sensitivity, tolerance, fairness, and generosity. And it applies both to stated opinions and to opinions that are left unspoken.

There are at least two ways of showing disrespect for others on account of what they think. One is by telling them that their opinions are crazy, stupid, worthless, and the like. The other is by assuming that what we think must be what they think also. Respecting others’ opinions doesn’t mean being untrue to our own. It simply requires us to recognize that others are entitled to look at the world differently and that when they share their views with us they can expect a fair hearing.

Since what we believe is an integral part of who we are, we tend to perceive criticism directed at our opinions as rejection. When that happens, defensiveness and resentment can put an end to dialogue. This means that we should follow good protocols of disagreement. If possible and appropriate:
* Save the core of someone else’s opinion even as you qualify your acceptance: “Yes, I agree that what you say may be true in general, but there are circumstances when …”
* Recognize that although you don’t agree, what you hear is not unreasonable: “Indeed, that idea can be appealing; however …”
* Allow that if you knew more, your opinion might change: “I don’t know, it doesn’t seem right, but perhaps there is more here than meets the eye.”
* Make generous use of the metaphor of perspective: “Yes, but if you look at it from a different point of view …”

All of these are forms of qualified disagreement, which in most circumstances are preferable to absolute disagreement. Through them you will usually manage to take the sting off your challenge. If, however, the opinion in question is repugnant to you, feel free to reject it outright: “I’m sorry, I believe this is wrong”; “I disagree, I find this opinion offensive”; “You know, this really goes against my principles.”

The way we react when we don’t agree depends on where we are, with whom, and what we are doing. Someone argues that more public funding should go to private schools, an opinion you don’t share. At a PTA or a town meeting, you can take your time to present a detailed, forceful argument against it. As an invited guest at a dinner table, however, you may decide to ignore the issue. Or you may briefly state why you disagree before turning to a less controversial subject. In other words, you may want to balance your desire to state your convictions with your concern for the convivial fellowship that your host has worked so hard at fostering. In general, a meal, any meal, is not the best venue for a political debate.

Many speak as though their opinions were necessarily shared by everybody around them. This presumptive sharing can originate in simple lack of sensitivity or it can be a deliberate, if covert way of saying: “If you don’t think like me you should. Start now!” Either way, it is bullying. You support political candidate X and his plan for industrial pollution control, which is opposed by candidate Y. Resist the temptation to declare to your coworkers in the cafeteria: “It’s going to be X by a landslide. Voters can’t be so dumb that they won’t see through Y’s shenanigans.” Of course, somebody at the table may very well be a supporter of candidate Y’s policies. You are entitled to your political preference, but others are also entitled to hear them expressed in a civil way.

We are all victims, at one time or another, of presumptive opinion sharing. We can find ourselves drawn over and over again into playing the worn-out game of television bashing. There is always someone who thinks it’s time to remind us that television is awful and harmful to us and the rest of humanity. This is presented as a self-evident truth upon which everybody with a semblance of a brain agrees and which should, therefore, go unexamined. We are thus expected to join in the jeremiad with a disconsolate shaking of our head.

Whenever we are exposed to the lamentations and fulminations of the television-is-trash cohorts, we are inevitably ill at ease. Strange as it may seem, there are good programs on television. The thousands of men and women who work in that business deserve better than a blanket indictment as producers of junk. But all this is almost beside the point. The point is that we resent finding ourselves inducted into a club we didn’t ask to join. Those who operate according to the I’m-sure-you’re-one-of-us assumption think on our behalf. They dismiss the notion that we might have a different opinion. This is, for lack of a better word, rude.

Those with views different from yours may refrain from revealing them to preserve the harmony of the conversation. Or they may choose not to challenge you because they feel intimidated by you. Aware that they are giving the impression they agree with an opinion when in fact they don’t, they may feel frustrated. Spare them. Present your opinions as just opinions, rather than transcendental truths. Make room for disagreement. Invite feedback. Among the most civil utterances of all time is the simple, humble, and smart question “What do you think?” Let’s use it generously. Who knows, we may learn something by listening in earnest to an opposing view. We may even discover that our opinion is not as good as we thought it was and that it is time for us to change, time to expand our horizons.

Excerpt from P.M. Forni’s Choosing Civility

Twenty-eight years ago, our movie screens were glowing with the story of an extraterrestrial who desperately needed to “phone home.” What made this implausible tale so appealing in 1982 was that we all could identify with being in a remote location without a way to contact loved ones. These days, that concept sounds hopelessly primitive. A sophisticated traveler like E.T. would surely have a sleek flip phone and a calling plan with no roaming charges. With one touch of the speed dial, he could sit back, enjoy a few Reese’s Pieces and be home before dinner.

Ironically, it’s we earthlings who have started to resemble aliens. Our cities are now filled with people who walk with their elbows in the air and mini-antennae protruding from their ears. Rarely do I see a car drive by without the driver talking on their cell. Still others stride on sidewalks, hands at their sides, talking (it seems) to no one but themselves.

Phone-aholics just can’t seem to resist the hurdy-gurdy sounds these devices make. No matter what they are doing, these addicts will drop everything to take an incoming call. It matters not that they are on a dinner date or in a business meeting. “Is that me?” they ask as they earnestly dive into their bags in search of the wailing offender. Woe to the would-be talker who discovers dejectedly that the ringing phone is someone else’s.

Although such scenes are now the norm, it was not long ago when the only people able to afford mobile phones kept them in a mahogany box in the back of their limousines. Even when these handy gadgets reached the masses, airtime was so costly that users kept their discussions short and sweet.

In this century, of course, talk is cheap. Enticed by calling plans that offer “free nights and weekends” or 4,000 “anytime” minutes, many of us are obsessed with chatter. Beaming through the airwaves as you read this are such lines as “I’m at the market … should I buy seven-grain or wheat?” and “Would you believe it? Some kid just kicked sand on my blanket!”

No matter where we are, whether the bread aisle or the beach, when our overstimulated attention spans wear thin, the cell phone provides a diversion. Perish the thought that we might take time to hear ourselves think. And with so many people talking, you have to wonder who’s doing the listening.

In 2005, according to the Cellular Telecommunications & Internet Association in Washington, D.C., forty-five percent of the U.S. population have cell phones. I’m sure it is much higher now. Where does that leave the remaining fifty-five? They are most likely in a movie, on a treadmill or at a restaurant not far from a thoughtless gabber who acting as if he were holed up in a private phone booth. As a result, it’s not just the phone owners who are doing the talking. Bring up the topic of cell phone abuse at a cocktail party, and you’re likely to get an earful of horror stories: the “Ode to Joy” during church services that emanates not from an organ but from a neglected phone. Women queuing up outside the ladies’ room while one of their own chats away in a much-need stall. Cashiers who roll their eyes when they have to stop mid-conversation to answer a customer’s query. Cab drivers who career is in and out of traffic while conversing cellularly. Business travelers who hide beneath their tray tables to get in one last sales pitch before takeoff. We’ve even lost the simple pleasure of being in a restaurant without the William Tell Overture and the Flight of the Bumblebee battling in the air.

On the rare occasions when their phones are not playing these classical tunes, airtime gluttons will testify “I don’t know how I ever managed without my phone.” Yet, for the majority of the 126+ years since Bell first called Watson, we did manage without phones on our hips. How did we get by? When we needed to talk with someone by phone, we would simply wait until we got home. No longer. “Nowadays when I take my kids to the park,” says a suburban mother of two, “all of the moms stand around talking on their phones. Yet we never speak with one another.” As I enjoy my daily run on the Prairie Path I see walkers engrossed in cell phone conversations, oblivious to the beauty of nature surrounding them.

If the marathon talkers were more considerate, ti might not be so bad. Unfortunately, we must endure their bellowing: “Whats that? You’re breaking up. Hey, John, stay right there. I’m going to call you back.” And cellular service being what it is, poor John is lucky if he can decipher every other word.

Even the call of the wild cannot drown out the call of the StarTAC. Many bikers, in-line skaters and joggers have long since decided that the best way to pass the time while exercising is to multitask. After all, why just pedal when you can trade stocks at the same time? And chances are, your broker is executing the transaction from an airport lounge, a car pool, a bus or a train.

Yes, thanks to cell phones, we are more connected today than ever. Yet that very same connectedness has brought its share of disconnection, too. And I don’t mean dropped signals. Many of us are simply abandoning in-person communication. In the process, we’re losing a degree of empathy that can be express only through body language and eye contact.

Fortunately, there are some who have realized that our urge to talk – regardless of time or place – has gone too far. President Bush was known to cast an evil glare at reporters whose cell phones went off during his press conferences. Depending on his mood, he would also stop his remarks mid-sentence and recite his speech over from the beginning. In San Diego, the cellular nuisance became so bothersome that the mayor held a Cell Phone Courtesy Week, encouraging users to “mind their mobile manners.” Many restaurants, schools, theaters and golf clubs tell their patrons the same thing. And on Amtrak’s northeast corridor trains, if you make a beeline for a Quiet Car, the only high-pitched tone you’ll hear aboard is the conductor’s whistle.

Yet even the most ardent cell-phone haters would agree that mobile technology now plays a vital role in our lives. On September 11, it enabled many ill-fated office workers and air travelers to say their final good-byes to family and friends. For countless other people – from stranded hikers to heart-attack victims – having a portable link to the outside world has been a literal lifesaver. So, the benefits of cell phones certainly outweigh the aggravations.

The lesson for us all, however, is that modern convenience must not tempt us to forgo common consideration. If you own a phone, remember to turn it off before entering a house of worship, a theater or a library. Always keep your phone off the dinner table and keep your ring setting simple, or better yet, use its vibrate or silent feature instead. And if you have a poor connection, don’t expect the party on the other end to decrypt your staccato utterings; try the call again from a landline.

If there is only one message to rise above the cellular din, let it be this: if you can’t avoid conversing in a public place, keep your discussion short, to the point and quiet. The phone company may not thank you, but those of us around you surely will.

Excerpt from: Tomas P. Farley’s Celling Out, in Town & Country Modern Manners.

The spoken word is our best form of communication. With words we can touch other people and help them to see the world from our vantage point, if only for a few minutes. We can use words to make others laugh, smile, cry, think, share. Every human emotion, every thought, has a word for it. We just have to decide how we want to use these words.

Listening to a person who possesses the gift of conversation is delightful. Some people are natural talkers. They are very much as ease communicating with others. These “naturals” are easy to spot. People gravitate to them at parties or in a crowded hall somewhere. People love to speak with the naturals because during the entire conversation they feel like equal and valued partners. A good conversationalist makes others feel special and listened to. They radiate love, joy, and emotion.

Learning how to feel comfortable in a group will require being an active part of the conversation. As in all other areas of etiquette, the art of conversation requires balance. It’s about giving and receiving, about thinking and reacting, about listening and perceiving. You must strike a balance between your participation and whomever else is involved in the discussion. Think about all those awkward moments you’ve undoubtedly spent listening to someone go on and on about his three dogs and vacations in Aspen for the last fifteen years. Others are not interested in everything about your life. So don’t dominate the conversation, but bring others into it. People love to feel involved and welcomed to be involved.

TO LISTEN IS DIVINE
A good conversationalist is one that begins with a considerate heart and who is genuinely interested in the person that they are speaking with. Being a good listener is one of the most important skills you will ever learn. Listening affects every facet of your life, from important business matters to what time you are meeting your mother for dinner. Everyone wants to be heard. Listening is a form of great respect.

TABLE TALK
Good table conversation separates an average party from one that is special and memorable. In a large gathering it is polite to talk to the other guests. Establishing eye contact with the person you are speaking with is necessary. Eye contact speaks of self-confidence and interest in whom you’re talking to. A good hostess knows how to get her guests talking and also how to move the conversation around the table to include each guest. The hostess usually keeps the tempo going by introducing new topics and by simply asking the guests a question. General topics are the order of the day.

Examples of Successful Topics:
* “Don’t grandchildren say the cutest things?”
* “I hear we’re due for some fabulous weather this fall.”
* “Have you been to the new restaurant on the corner of Main and Smith Street?”

As different as we are on the outside, our external differences pale in comparison with our individual thoughts and beliefs. No matter how skilled the hostess, there are just some subjects that should be omitted from the conversation altogether. Examples of these taboo subjects are the issue of the death penalty, abortion, details of an operation, or topics that are just too intimate for discussion in the dining room. This is an area where common sense should rule.

If you are still nervous about making interesting table talk, prepare yourself before an outing. Become well-informed by reading newspapers, being current in global news, and by simply doing your homework about the interests and hobbies of the people you will be with. It is always charming when someone knows a little about you.

SMALL TALK OR WHAT IS KNOWN AS “CHIT-CHAT”
Small talk is what is required when you are meeting someone for the first time. Basic etiquette calls for eye contact and a firm handshake. Small talk can sometimes be a nerve-racking experience, especially if you cannot think of anything to say. It is always a good idea to start the conversation by asking the person about themselves. This way, you not only endear yourself, but you also generate a subject to discuss. It is best to avoid getting too personal. Instead, stay general in your conversation. For example: “Mary tells me that you grow the most beautiful roses.”

A WORD TO THE WISE …
Respecting the other person’s right to their own viewpoint is not only mannerly .. it’s refreshing. Intense conversations should be reserved for courtrooms, debates, and negotiations. Definitely not for social situations! No matter where you are, there are a few topics that have always been, and will always be, taboo when it comes to topics open for discussion.

* Salary or net worth
* Commissions
* Promotions
* Job searches
* Your sex life
* Somebody else’s sex life
* Someone’s sexual orientation
* Age
* Affairs
* Criminal activities
* Weight

“DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT THE … ?”
Joking makes us seem witty and worldly. Everyone wants to be the person with the great sense of humor and a way with words. We want people to like us and to be drawn to our magnetic personalities. This is good. But joking can also be destructive.

A practical joke draws its humor from belittling another person or persons. It encourages others to make fun of someone at their expense. Be creative and find other ways to be the life of the party.

RUDE AND OFFENSIVE COMMENTS
Usually rude and offensive people do not know that they are rude and offensive. They do not think about what they say or how it will affect the person they are speaking with. Regardless if they intend to be rude and offensive or not, every now and then someone will say something out of place. Instead of correcting them it is better to ignore it and change the subject.

Vulgar language or obscene remarks are always, let’s repeat that, always out of place in conversation. Even if you think the person you are speaking with is all right with the language, don’t use it. It simply does not have a place. If you chose to incorporate these words into your daily vocabulary, please be mindful of others. Especially in venues like restaurants and other public places, be careful and considerate of others. If someone near you in a restaurant or stadium uses such language on a regular basis, it is perfectly acceptable for you to ask them to stop. “Would you mind not using such language, please?” There is no guaranteed response, however. They may realize what they sound like and stop or they may continue. Either way you demonstrate your disapproval.

I’M REALLY, TRULY SORRY
Apologizing is an important skill to learn, since it seems to come up almost daily and for some of us, hourly. Apologizing is important because it is our best response when we do something wrong. A verbal or written apology can soothe and restore a bruised relationship. good etiquette and good morals dictate that we should accept our wongdoing as eagerly as we accept the things we do right. It is a very gracious person who can do both.

TO INTERRUPT OR NOT TO … THAT IS THE PROBLEM
So you’ve gotten as far as the actual conversation. People are talking, having a good time, laughing. Smile. Relax. You’re doing just fine. Suddenly, there’s a problem. What happens when there’s an interruption? How do you handle that?

You can look at interruptions several different ways. First, you may be embroiled in a lovely conversation or an important business discussion when someone bungles in and interrupts the entire moment you were just having. So what do you do? How do you handle such impoliteness?

Well, most people … let’s rephrase that … most polite people will not interrupt another person’s conversation unless it is truly important. Listening is an act of courtesy. If you are interrupted, you could say, “I’ll be with you in a moment.” This is a polite way to keep control of the conversation, which makes you feel good. The interrupter may be bringing important news like there is a fire in the building or that your car is being towed. But regardless of the news, it is still important for you to act in kindness and politeness.

If on the other hand, it becomes necessary for you to interrupt the conversations of others, you might say the tried and true, “Excuse me.” Then wait patiently to be recognized. It doesn’t matter what end you’re coming from. The bottom line is be patient and polite and others should follow suit.

CORRECTING GRAMMAR
It is extremely improper to correct another person’s grammar when they are talking with you. It is not acceptable unless it is your child, and then do it discreetly.

BORING CONVERSATIONS OR THE BRAGGART
We have all had to endure the self-centered person who assumes control over the conversation. If you are standing with a group of people caught in that situation, simply excuse yourself and walk away. If, however, you are seated at dinner and cannot graciously excuse yourself, it is up to the hostess to rescue her guest. Of course, this should be done in a charming way. If you have to deal with it on your own, you might say “That’s an interesting viewpoint.” Then turn to the guest on your other side and start a new conversation.

HOW TO END A CONVERSATION
Some people simply do not know how to end a conversation. It is as easy as “I sure have enjoyed talking with you.” If it is a telephone conversation, the person calling is the one in charge of ending the conversation. Some examples in either situation would be:

* “Excuse me, Isee someone I need to speak with.”
* Have you met the Smiths yet? Come with me. I’d like to introduce you.”
* It’s been nice talking with you. I’ve enjoyed it.”

COMPLIMENTS
An honest compliment is a refreshing gift to anyone. When offered to your hostess it is a lovely way of showing your gratitude for her efforts to entertain you. On the other hand, an exaggerated compliment is insincere and should be avoided. Always make sure to thank your hostess at the end of a meal. You could say:

* “What a lovely meal. You served some of my favorite dishes.”
* “Thank you for including me in your lovely dinner party.”

THE DO’S FOR A GOOD CONVERSATION”

* Share the conversation. Let everyone take a turn.
* Keep the talk interesting and light.
* Never embarrass your hostess.
* Never ask what something cost.
* Never use rude or shocking language.
* Keep personal problems private, especially at another person’s expense.
* Be sincere with your compliments.
* Correct your spouse’s etiquette, grammar, or behavior in private.
* Talk with the people on your left and right when dining.
* Be honest.
* Listen carefully.
* Be respectful.
* Learn to compromise.

Excerpt taken from Ann Platz and Susan Wales book: Social Graces Manners, Conversation, and Charm for Today